True Grit

Whole 30: Day 27

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Day 27: “ A man you all know as Joe the Policeman from the “What’s Goin Down” episode of That’s my Momma”. Ahh, Randy Watson and Sex-yual Chocolate. It’s good stuff. So 4 more days. For those that don’t know you have to wait until day 31 (which will be Wednesday) to weigh yourself or start to re-introduce grains, sugar, alcohol and dairy. The re-introduction phase of the Whole 30 they call it and it is meant to last 20 days. They advise working 1 of the 4 instruments of the devil back into your diet every 4-5 days to see how it makes you feel. Well, since I have always been a champion of efficiency, I am going to knock that month long phase out in 4 days.

Here is my plan for Day 31:

  • Wake up and immediately experience one of the Day 26 scale scenarios
  • Either be pissed off or really pumped- either way will likely buy myself something online for immediate gratification and pat on back for surviving month of heinous atrocities
  • Put Half-n Half in my coffee. Enjoy the shit out that coffee.
  • Have a serving of wheat thins. Praise the lord.
  • Write a Facebook post telling you fine people about the above adventures.
  • 8 hours of Conference Calls. Not optimal but a requirement of my job, which is necessary to support my healthy fantasy life of being rich and famous.

They also tell you in the Whole 30 to make a plan for how you will handle post Whole 30 life. So I am “planning” to only partake of the following items on special occasions:

  • Soda
  • Bread
  • Cheese
  • Wine
  • Pizza
  • Fried Foods

Definition of Special Occasions:

  • Tuesdays
  • Days the kids annoy me
  • My birthday month
  • Arbor Day
  • Days I have a lot of meetings

Although I am really just having a few friends over for dinner I like to think about which celebrities would really enjoy an invite Wheatthinpalooza. Requirements include: Being funny, thinking I am funny, enjoying a cocktail, cussing and understanding the importance of a good hostess gift. So far here are the folks that come to mind:

  • Bill Murray
  • David Sedaris
  • Miranda Lambert
  • Jennifer Aniston
  • Oprah **she will be invited solely on her being a slam dunk present giver.

I will ask that you my friends send me suggestions on who else should receive this prestigious invite.

My 3 things for today:

  1. Things that make me pee my pants laughing? This scene from The Hangover. NOT UP IN HERE!!
  1. Things I love? Kids that don’t whine.
  1. Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? Kids that whine. The Dictator is on an all time personal record setting rampage in the whining category. Does he not know that he is playing with fire (aka Momma with no wheat thins)???

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