True Grit

Whole 30: Day 22

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Day 22: “I’m not crazy, I have just been in a very bad mood for 40 yrs”. So yes, my friends, I am in a bad mood. I am F’n hun-ga-ree and I want a handful of Wheat Thins in a bad, bad way. Let me tell you how much fun a long holiday weekend is in the summer with no carbs, sugar, dairy or alcohol….about as much fun as potty training- not really that I would know as I have an almost 4 yr old in pull ups, I am just assuming for the 5 minutes I have tried that really trying would suck. Potty training the Dictator is going down as one of my life’s biggest fails to date.

The other things I suck at and have just given up on at this point in life are:

• Driving stick shift
• Handstands
• Parking
• Math
• Not cussing
• Eye Shadow application

As I have said before I LOVE a good list. So here are a few more.

Food I miss the most on the Whole 30 in the order of which I will eat them come Day 31 and beyond:

• Crackers
• Cheese
• Sushi
• Hummus
• Chicken Pot Pie
• 5 Guys Double Cheeseburger

Celebrity Crushes listed in order of length of crush:

• Joshua Jackson
• John Cusack
• Vince Vaughn
• Bradley Cooper
• Ryan Gosling

Favorite Non-comedy movies in no particular order:

• The Sound of Music
• A River Runs Through It
• Shawshank Redemption
• Goodfellas
• All the President’s Men

Ok, too many books and TV shows to list, so instead I will share my latest parenting fail. Yesterday at church, after the 15th yawn and threat of screen removal if she does not sit up straight, Molly leans over to me and says, this is verbatim and Doug was my witness, “When is that bread thing happening?”. Now, in her defense, in the book of common prayer in the Communion section it does highlight “Breaking of the Bread”, but still. I will not lie, as you are allowed communion on the Whole 30, that wafer and port wine was truly a religious experience- for a moment I thought about grabbing the challis and going full Frank the Tank right there at the altar, but then I thought of the white skinny jeans, crossed myself and just moved on down the road.

I am putting it out there to my friends that will read this, just in case Doug forgets, one of my life goals is that when I die my “story” will be narrated by Keith Morrison. Now, I don’t want a painful or untimely death, I am thinking something more like dying in my sleep at 93 in the Nursing Home and at first all seems normal, but then that one friend who knew I had a few more years left in me (just think, if you are reading this…it could be you!) demands an autopsy and it is discovered I was poisoned. Ultimately Keith comes in to investigate which of my 12 lovers has poisoned me and they initially highlight Doug, who sadly preceded me in death because he only did the Whole 29, and then they slowly start to roll out the extended dysfunctional family and friends (again, this could be you!) and there are a few really good suspects, but it never solved, so Dateline continues to update you every year and I get a couple of People magazines covers out of it. I envision the story will be called “Sleeping Beauty”.

So my 3 things for today:

1. Things that make me pee my pants? David Sedaris. He is the only author I read and consistently double over laughing. I can’t read on a plane it is so bad. One of my favorite quotes, “Like all my friend’s, she is a lousy judge of character.” If you have never read any of his stuff, start with “Me Talk Pretty One Day”. You will never look at Roosters the same.

2. Things I love? The final scene of “A River Runs Through It”. It is a combination of the scenery, the words, the music and Robert Redford’s voice. Just perfect. To me, this is like going to church. “I am haunted by waters”. It’s good stuff.

3. Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? Not being able to eat crackers.

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