What I Would Sell in Prison

So my birthday was Friday and in-between an exciting day of conference calls and PowerPoint-ing I found myself getting very introspective and thinking such deep thoughts as : What have I done to make the world a better? And What will my legacy be?.

Those thoughts were quickly interrupted by an email from Henry’s school with this opening line “Henry bit another child at school today”….yep translated as, “Happy Fucking Birthday”. So this led me down a path of self-doubt and depression….until I had some chips and queso and things got much better.

But seriously, I started thinking “How did I end up with a biter?” It isn’t like it is learned behavior from the homefront. Now, if they told me that Henry came to school and stole all his friend’s crackers and then demanded a nap….I’d be like, yep, that is behavior that can be directly blamed on me.

Like for example, last week Molly brought home a writing assignment called “My Perfect Weather Day” and after two sentences explaining thunder and rain it says “I like to make some buttered popcorn, get some Coca-Cola and put on a really long movie. I cuddle up with my very comfortable pillows and extremely soft blankets. I enjoy when my dreadful little brother is somewhere else so he doesn’t disturb me.” This is behavior she has honestly come by.

So you know how you start questioning everything you have said and done when contemplating how your children could have thought their poor behavior was acceptable- like does he not know how to use his words? Have we not spanked him enough? Are the consequences/punishments not severe enough/not the right ones? Which led to lots of internet reading.

Which led to the following train of thought:

• What if there is no hope and he is so bad he gets kicked out of preschool?

• Then he becomes a “problem” child and is kicked out of multiple schools for biting.

• Then what if he becomes a fighter?

• He barely makes it out of high school- and only graduates because he is really, really good looking and athletic.

• Then he doesn’t get into college which leads to many poor decisions and ultimately prison.

• Prison would suck.

• Could I make it in prison?

• I totally could rock some time in prison!

• I am really inclusive- so all ethnicities would like me and I wouldn’t have to choose a group to hang out with.

• I would be really popular in prison mainly because I would use my humor to manipulate the guards to ensure I got a good cell.

• If I had all this power, I would be the one that would sell things.

• What would I sell in prison?

I feel like smokes and shanks would be too predictable, so I started to think about items that maybe are not typically available to inmates and perhaps even introduce some new brands to this captive demographic (side note, this is totally assuming I am Martha Stewart type prison not Orange is the New Black prison):

• Fake eyelashes (and as a side note…think if you were the R&F rep in prison selling that eyelash growth stuff, I mean you can sell that shit all day long- there is no work, house duties or carpools- and at least in the movies they spend most of the time in prison talking and looking at each other in very close proximity, so if people give in to endless Facebook posts, can you imagine in prison how much of that shit you could sell????)
• Uggs (I mean if you can’t have laces, this to me is the best option vs. those Hannibal lector ked looking slip on shoes)
• Zit cream
• Moisturizer
• Wheat Thins
• Pamplemousse La Croix
• Deodorant
• Poopourri
• Cigs ( I mean it would just be stupid not to sell smokes, from a purely fiscal perspective, but also all the fun people smoke and those smoke breaks in the yard are where alliances are made!)

So back to my birthday, it was awesome! I was reminded of what a lucky, lucky girl I am that I have my sweet Dougie, my kids really do love me and I won the lottery when it comes to friends, neighbors and coworkers.

It was a wild night. Went to dinner at 6:30 with Doug and Molly (Henry had a babysitter, a new babysitter and since he BIT someone at school he wasn’t allowed to watch TV and so the poor babysitter had to actually entertain his ass the whole time), had 2 glasses of prosesco, took an ambien and got in bed and was asleep by 9. Party on!!

The best part of my birthday was the card I got from my inlaws. Just imagine you find out your oldest son is dating an older, divorced women with a 4 yr old?? They didn’t skip a beat and welcomed us both into their family with complete warmth and graciousness. Anyway, I am pretty sure they have never read my blog and we aren’t throwing back shots on Christmas Eve together, but they rock and I love them.

The card said “It’s not how old you are…but the number of years you’ve made the world a better place.”

I’ll take that…and put it in my pipe and smoke it!

Here is something I have watched like 20 times today. The two of them together PLUS dogs is just too much.