Two Weeks Notice

Two weeks, 15 days and….I am not good at math- but trust me, it was a lot of hours. The rules: No sugar, No dairy, No alcohol, No grains, No legumes. As I have said before, the hardest part for me this second go round is still the lack of crackers- not so much missing the dairy and alcohol as much. I do plan on starting a GoFundMe for research on a cracker that is Whole30 approved. I think it is important to dedicate one’s times to effort that can benefit the global good.

You also cannot weigh or measure yourself- which I do not find a hardship as I rarely weigh myself…and I don’t know about you, but last time I measured something- let alone my body- was likely to figure out if something could fit through a door. I use the tried-and-true test of the “skinny jeans”- and for you young folks- this was a term before they put any kind of stretch into denim. In the eighties our skinny jeans were the Levis, Gloria Vanderbilts, Jordaches or Calvin Kleins that fit you when you were at your definition of skinny. You have not known hardship until living in a too tight pair of denim that are 100% cotton. This is why Gen X’ers are some of the toughest broads around.

I have a friend (who will remain anonymous unless they choose to reveal themselves), who one time after a few libations at an outdoor event proclaimed, “I feel like I’d look really good nekkid right now”. Thankfully she did not disrobe, however the confidence was inspiring. This memory got me thinking that there is a HUGE difference of looking good naked vs. looking good in clothes.  At my age, I am going for a little of both. I may check out the scale in 2 weeks just to see- but I feel like maybe I should set some guidelines that do not require measuring by success pounds or inches:

1. You look hot! Basically anyone could see you naked and be impressed. (Tip- ensure someone younger and with good eye sight has removed/covered up all nefarious hairs and veins)- Also advisable if person making assessment on said hotness is 10+ yrs. older than you with poor eyesight. You can see my conundrum here as I am married to someone 5 yrs. younger than me with good eyes.

• You are bringing it. You won’t scare anyone in a bathing suit, but the Hawaiian Tropic Sr. Tour isn’t knocking on your door. You are looking really good in clothes with the help of shapewear and stretch materials. And the few who do see you naked are like- “eh, looks pretty good”.

• You look pretty good. You are killing it in the middle-aged one-piece bathing with a shelf bra and age appropriate high waisted jeans. Naked you ain’t too shabby, but disrobing in bright lights is ill advised.

• You look alright. Really you can pull off the right outfits with no one knowing the type of trickery and MacGyver-ing you have underneath. Bring on the pants with stretch and a cute tunic. Accessories are your friend (aka “look at the birdie”)- good hair, nails and skin help as well- deflect, deflect, deflect! Naked only for limited heated engagements.

• Pajamas and Yoga Pants. Naked only in the dark with inebriated partners.

**Disclaimer- It should always be about how you feel primarily, but I am just focusing on the “looks” as it is funnier to discuss- and in my case, truthful. If I look better, I feel better and hence I function in life better. BUT you can also live your life very happily at any size, be healthy, be active- all the things- and not give 2 shits about what other people think. Sadly, that is just not me- so just sharing my truth and trying to make it humorous. **

Reality is, I already feel great- I mean the sleep is beyond good- no brain fog and a shitload of energy- so the goal of feeling better has been met- but lets be honest I would be SUPER pissed if after all this I didn’t look different. I am a fan of having realistic goals and am thinking after a 30 days of deprivation I would like to be at a 2.5. Take it from someone who spent 25 years in corporate America- if someone ever reaches a “stretch goal” or claimed anything was 100%- they lied or the goal was weak.

In trying to take my mind off snacking I have been reading, puzzling and watching shows and movies that aren’t food focused. Latest show I am digging is 5 Days at Memorial on Apple TV- it’s about a hospital during Katrina- the epitome of ordinary people in extraordinary circumstances. Lets just say it’s intense and ain’t nobody having a good meal. You have to follow my Instagram stories to get a daily dose of what I am eating, not eating, reading and watching.

In my free time I have decided to write a song, a soliloquy, a sonnet, if you will, to my love of the carb. I have started with some brainstorming:

• Ode to The Carb-  How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
• I love bread and rolls, so put another cracker in my pie hole baby- I love bread and rolls, so come and grab chips n queso and eat with me. (not sure Joan Jett would approve but she is 64 now, so expect she may like listening to the Bridge with a nice sauvignon blanc with brie and a baguette on the side).
• It’s only Bread and Rolls and I like, I like it, yes I do. I just imagine Mick enjoying a good scone or biscuit while gyrating.

Flannery O’Connor said “Anybody that has survived his childhood has enough information about life to last him the rest of his days”. I figure I survived my childhood AND if I make it the whole 30 days without a cracker, I will have lots to write about.

Things that make me pee my pants: Key and Peele. Writing my sonnet made me think of Othello and this skit: (45) They Really Did That to Othello – Key & Peele – YouTube

Things I love: Tomatoes in August in the South- preferably on white bread with Dukes Mayo.

Things I find Redonkulous: The number of forms needed for a child to attend camp or school. There just has to be a better more efficient way- developers, 6 sigma people, mental health professionals- please help! Parents (and trees) everywhere are dying!