True Grit

Oops I Did It Again

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Got out of shape and gained 10 pounds that is- how does this keep happening you ask? Well, when you like to dance on the edge of debauchery for a month, a season or a year- it happens to the best of us. And especially those of us with moderation issues. And guess what- The Whole 30 is there for you- when you want to be denied all of life’s joys (i.e. cheese, crackers and a cocktail), but feel like you have tiger blood at the same time.

It’s kind of hard to explain the extreme goodness of the sleep, but also your demonic response to the ASMR of the opening of a cracker box and then bag within the box and then the tangible sense of reaching in your germy/covid laden hands and feeling around to bring out your handful of crunchy oral heavenly delights. (also, the ability to craft realllly long run on sentences). You know how you wake up sweaty after having sex with Rip in the pasture (Yellowstone reference for those two people that have not watched)- you will now wake up with that same feeling, but it was a threesome- you, a Triscuit and a large sexy wedge of Manchego.

I did this 6 years ago- primarily to get off my addiction to Diet Coke (I was drinking 4 a day) and off dairy- as I really wanted to see if my adult acne was caused by food. Spoiler Alert- 30 days off all sinful ingredients did nothing for my skin. Take my advice here- DO NOT waste your money on topical solutions (I have bought/tried almost all of them, so ask me if you want to know if something works) or treatments for acne if you sense it is hormonal- I will always be pro-drugs for your skin/acne if it is caused by hormones- only thing that works. I fucking love a facial and will forever get them because they can make your skin look amazing temporarily but, if we are talking acne- take the drugs.

So back to the Whole 30- last time I did this the first week sucked as I was coming down from the addiction to aspartame in the DC and had horrible headaches and then the initial switch from half n half to Nutpods is a true kick in the nuts. But I have kept off the DC (except for the movies- if I smell the popcorn, I am getting a fountain Coke) and dairy creamers. I have tried all non-dairy creamers on the market- so hit me up if you want recommendations.

The first week of this second go of the Whole 30 has been tough for two main reasons:

  1. I miss the sensation of something dry and salty crunching in my mouth.
  2. I am exercising everyday- and just feel like my tank is empty and that I may puke without some sort of carb.

But different than the first time, I am craving healthier versions of the crunch- so without question you can totally change your tastebuds- like really if I eat a Wheat Thin now it kind of gives me a headache and I actually prefer the Mary’s Gone Crackers- basically all seeds and gluten free. Do not interpret that to mean I won’t still eat Wheat Thins or really any cracker- but it’s more from habit than preference. It’s basically the crunch for me dawg.

I am about to embark on some truly scientific research tomorrow- I am getting a puppy, as the only thing that I hypothesize could possibly be a remedy to my cracker needs is puppy love. It’s also something to focus on when you really want a margarita and chips n queso- the fear of someone eating your overpriced sneakers or peeing on your new carpets will keep your mind keenly focused.

If you want to keep your mind off food while doing the Whole 30, I have some tips regarding what shows you decide to binge: do not watch any family dramas centered around a restaurant (i.e. The Bear) or where there is a lot of family togetherness as there always seems to be meals involved- which we all know is bullshit because there just is rarely any life stage where every person living in a house these days is all ready to eat any meal, especially dinner, at the same time. Stick with horrible people, murder, crime and drugs- these people never eat! (i.e. Euphoria, Dopesick, House of Cards, Game of Thrones) and any crime show from Europe- because basically they just make cups of tea.

When I first did the Whole 30, I would close my daily posts with:

  • Things that make me pee my pants
  • Things I love
  • Things I find Redonkulous

If you go back to my original Whole 30 posts you can relish many of my favorite movie and comedy clips. I thought I would do that again on a weekly basis- please note, I am not an influencer or a tastemaker- I just happen to buy, read, watch and experience a lot of shit.

Things that make me pee my pants: These TV Hosts who cannot keep it together- (33) Holly Makes A Funny Noise And Leaves Phillip In Tears Of Laughter | This Morning – YouTube

Things I love: The Bear on Hulu. Everything about it is amazing- story, characters, food porn and music. Just don’t watch when you are restricting any type of food- it will trigger you. Also, it is the gift that keeps giving in terms of walking around your house saying “yes Chef” to your family members.

Things I find Redonkulous: The overturning of Roe v. Wade, people who care how other people define their identity and the fact that anyone thinks we need automatic weapons. And that Herschel Walker is running for the senate.

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