I am a mess!

Every time I think I have got it all together I’m quickly reminded, I am a mess. My latest realization of this truth was the other day when I got some key things accomplished at work during a week in Seattle with my Microsoft people, came home- slept a lot and then did 7 loads of laundry, had done a good amount of Christmas shopping online (the one for you, two for me variety), cleaned out the refrigerator and made a significant deposit in the Whole Foods Owner’s beach house fund to replace all the expired items in my fridge.

Since I was on fire with self-accomplishment, I decided a good children’s closet cleanout was in order. WRONG. It was a Pandora’s box of nothing fits, or everything that fits is not appropriate for cold weather or school. Molly has no tights or long sleeve shirts and Henry needs underwear and pants. Now, Molly has actually grown, which is why her clothes don’t fit..but Henry, his clothes have met their demise another way, which I am so currently annoyed by- I cannot discuss- but it involves poo poo.

Cleaning out closets leads to three initial stages: frustration, piles of stuff and shopping. And then the final stage of closet clean out is grief- that you didn’t just keep living in denial for a week or so longer. I am seriously in awe of people with more than 2 children. If I had 4 closets to go through I would cry, alone, in the bathtub…preferably at a hotel.

So because I had a gotten a call from the Bank of America fraud department (aka online shopping- palooza) I thought best to either nap, day drink or go to yoga and since it was only 11, I opted for yoga. Now yoga is usually a fine choice, except when you haven’t worked out for 12 days and just spent a week SITTING in meetings on the road and eating hotel food.

I get to class and it is one of the most popular teachers and it is not that full- #winning! I am so excited that I have stumbled upon this unplanned yoga class and all the dumbasses didn’t see the great teacher on the schedule. Well, well, well I soon learned that said teacher has just returned from a weeklong training session and had I been on social media instead of cleaning out fridges and closets I would have known this!!! And most importantly I would have known she was PUMPED up to kick some ass in class. So no person in their right mind is showing up to this class, especially not old, out of shape, been on a business trip kind of people.

So since I thought I would die after about 30 minutes in, I resorted to child’s pose and tried to think about something other than how many pieces of pizza I had eaten in Seattle and if that was my sweat I was smelling or someone else’s. Then I tried to let the music take me away and normally if it is a good song I know the words to, it totally works and I forget how out of shape I am and just keep going….but of course, because I am a 46 yr old juvenile I started thinking to myself the following thoughts:

• This sounds just like James Taylor…..if James Taylor were Indian.
• Maybe he has an Indian cousin….like the James Taylor of Goa.
• Could he and Carly Simon adopted an Indian child back in their drug haze daze and he has been singing under a pseudynom like Jabir Taj?
• Is anyone else thinking these same thoughts?

Now the answers to all the above thoughts are No. I started laughing so hard to myself I had to stay in child’s pose until I gained composure. Now I am beside a girl who is in sicko shape that actually worked out BEFORE the hour long hot yoga class, so I can’t just die right there so I made it to the end of class, albeit with a lot of moaning.

I tell you all this to inspire you. You can be a mess and still be ok. Or you know…relatively speaking ok. I also have a huge underground zit that could rival any teenagers.

I am in love with Vince Vaughn- don’t worry Doug and I have a pact- if Vince Vaughn or Bradley Cooper show up I am free to go and if Giselle or Marissa Miller (no idea, look her up) come knocking he is #winning.

Anyway, I love Vince Vaughn the most when he is working with someone as funny as him…like Jimmy Fallon. Here they are together and it just kills me…and this is a really good story!