True Grit

Do you smell something?

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So I have been thinking about smells a lot lately, as Henry is not yet a fully competent rear end cleaner and that has led to some really bad smells in my house. Let me clarify, he is potty trained, yet, he is holding strong to the belief that pooping at home is a lot more pleasurable experience than school or any other public bathroom. I will share no more detail except to say, I think we can all agree that poop stinks and it falls under smells that make me gag.

Smells are a very personal thing, not only in how you smell, but how smells impact you. As you know everyone smells different, people’s houses smell different, car’s smell different- and when smells are good, they are good…but dude, if you encounter someone with bad breath, it sticks with you and if we are remotely friends I will give you an altoid. It is like someone having food in their teeth- pay it forward people, you can’t let others go around knocking innocent people out with their dragon breath. It is one of the things that I love about my husband- he always smells good- his breath, his skin, his hair- like he is just not smelly and I love that about him. I also like to fancy myself as a person who smells good.

I figured everyone would a enjoy a list , so here are the smells that make me gag:

  • Vanilla – not when it is naturally occurring in nature or cooking- but the manufactured smell not only makes me gag but will give me an instant migraine- ESPECIALLY when put in candle form. BLEHHHHH. I cannot walk within the vicinity of a Bath and Body Works or God forbid a Yankee Candle, without immediately feeling naush. This is one of the many reasons I do not go to malls- and people of Charlotte, I strategically park at Cotswold (which is difficult as that parking lot sucks more than most) to fully avoid having to walk by Bath and Body works.
  • Cherry- Same as above.
  • Peach- Same
  • Coconut- Same. Molly has some lotions and body sprays that incorporate many or most of these above smells, which I like to refer to as “ode to a French Whore House”
  • Old Urine- especially in the bathroom at the nasty 500 yr old gas station off HWY 26 in Orangeburg, SC where possibly the people from deliverance are waiting to kidnap you.
  • Vomit- I have the automatic gag reflex here- if you vomit, I will vomit. Kind of funny in college, no so much when your child has the stomach bug and bathroom space is limited.
  • General bad B.O.- not sweat in a gym, which is not a scent you want as an air freshener, but also doesn’t make me gag. But like bad general body odor. It’s interesting, and likely because I work in Diversity& Inclusion- I am not bothered when I am in other countries where their cultures and customs or socio-economic status is a factor in them not smelling in a way I would personally define as “good”, but here in the middle class U S of A…people take a shower, use deodorant.  Am wondering if some people truly cannot smell themselves, and then I think certainly a friend or family could nicely say something, but maybe they have been run off by the bad smell. Working in HR I have had many coworkers who have had to break the news to people that their body odor is offensive- so when you ask someone in HR ‘isn’t firing people the worst part of job?”…nope telling someone they are smelly is. Or one time I had a friend in HR who had to tell a coworker to stop farting in meetings. Like meetings are bad enough.
  • Bad Breath- like gross stale breath- not onion, garlic, coffee or smells like what you just ate breath, but like get thee to a dentist breath as you have not flossed your teeth in 100 yrs breath.
  • Poop- all kinds, except manure. Don’t know why, thinking it must be just my love of barn smell (hay, horse and manure) that it just doesn’t register as gross in the ol’ olfactory system.
  • French Whore House air freshener used to cover up smoke smells in a car or house. This one will make me jump out of an uber. Last week I got in an uber that had this smell and to make matters worse the driver had just farted before I got in and CLOSED THE DOOR. Like seriously dude drive around the block, roll down the window!

Now I think most bad smells are pretty universally agreed upon, I mean no one is going to say they like most of the above smells, but I do find it fascinating which smells people love the most. Most smells I love have major positive childhood memories attached to them.

Smells that make me happy:

  • Fresh Cut Grass- especially when accompanied by the sound of sprinklers and/or lawn mowers.
  • Clean Baby- that combination of Johnson’s baby lotion, powder and water…and just baby skin. Yum.
  • Puppy Breath- pretty self-explanatory.
  • Barn Smell- horse, hay, manure combo- all goodness.
  • Lake Water- especially when accompanied by the sound of boats. I am particularly partial to the smell of Lake Rabun.
  • Beach- not so much the smell of the ocean per se, but the full combination of sand, salt water and Coppertone- and only Coppertone the original lotion and the sound of a blender (aka a sign a bar with fruity drinks is close by). AND when combined with the sulfur smell of paper mills in south Georgia my endorphins sky rocket. Now, for people not from the south, papermills smell like a nasty fart- not kidding, so here is the mind over matter thing about smells- these papermills are on the final leg of the drive from Atlanta to St. Simons/Sea Island, which meant once you smelt the papermills you were 30 minutes away from the beach/vacation/getting out of the car after 5 hours with your pain in the ass sibling.
  • Charcoal Grilling Hamburgers -not chicken or steaks or anything else- just burgers on an outdoor charcoal grill.
  • Quelques Fleurs perfume– I discovered this scent 20 yrs ago when visiting my sister in Dallas. I STOLE it from her bathroom- yep, I did. And have worn it every day since. I wear too much and often forget if I have already sprayed myself in the morning, so many times over do it.
  • Thymes Goldleaf- particularly the hand lotion.
  • Bobbi Brown BEACH perfume and lotion. Truly genius and Smells exactly like the beach. ***Do not ever use this smell to try to cover up a dirty diaper smell. Trust me. The result is “eau de la plage de poop”.
  • Kai – this truly smells so amazing in all forms, but I like the body lotion the best. In general I don’t like manufactured Gardenia smells, but this lady nailed it. Buy it.
  • La Prairie Face Caviar– ok so this is basically me confessing to something so redonkulous but every year when I get my bonus I buy this. I have done a lot of research and am pretty sure there is ZERO proof that this face lotion does diddly for your skin- I mean the generic face cream from Rita Aid is likely better, but La Prairie has one thing going for it- THE SMELL- I can’t explain why I love the smell on my face when I sleep, but I literally get giddy when I put it on at night. So when Doug is at Costco I am smoothing $450 face cream that doesn’t work onto my 47 yr old adult acne skin.

So I can’t talk about smells without telling one of my favorite stories ever, the story of the PANTS brothers. I have changed names to protect the innocent. This happened around 1996 amongst our post-college Atlanta group- we were young adults but still so massively immature in a healthy way. Anyhoo, flip phones were all the rage and it was still quite novel to have caller ID/names and numbers programmed in your phone. So during one of our weekend trips to the beach or lake (basically whose parents were least concerned with 15 people crashing all over their house and drinking all their alcohol)- Bill took Beth’s phone and for her most frequent callers renamed them all, which we now refer to as the “Pants Brothers”

Mom= Smell E. Pants

Dad= Poop E. Pants

Sister= Fart E. Pants

Now, still to this day I will double over with laughter thinking of Beth getting a call at work and the screen of her phone says “Poop E. Pants”. It is true, I have never been mistaken for an intellectual type.

I leave you with some weekend entertainment from two of my favs: James Corden and Jordan Peele. **WARNING to my more conservative readers there are a lot of sexual terms and offensive comments in this video** and sadly that is why most of my friends will find it funny.

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