True Grit

Business Travel

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“The pleasure is all on this side of the table”. I love the Bobs and Office Space. Luckily the workplace has changed so much in the past 15 yrs, but that movie is just the best. Many people have asked how I felt after the epic celebration Wheatthinpalooza and I am thrilled to tell you- I felt awesome. It was the best party. And here’s a trick, instead of eating cheese and wheat thins like the end of days I actually kept it moderate so my stomach did not revolt. In terms of drinking- I have a trick for ya- make one strong vodka drink and then just keep filling it with La Croix and lime…and no more vodka…and shocker you will feel better than having 5 vodkas- it works. I like to embrace solutions of simple math.

So I am in Seattle this week for work and within 12 hours determined that locating almond, soy…or god forbid, coconut milk- even in the health conscious progressive pacific northwest in a hotel is not easy. Although I will never complain about business travel and let me tell you why. Especially as a middle aged mother of two, why would the following things be bad:

• A quiet room that someone else cleans
• Towels that someone else washes
• Coffee that someone else makes AND brings to you
• Fruit that someone else cuts up
• No one asks you questions
• No one touches you
• No one needs anything from you
• Anything on the floor in the hallway someone else picks up
• There is no bright colored plastic in hotels (unless you have lost your fuckin mind and gone to Disney or legoland…and that is your own serious life mistake that I cannot help you with)

And you know what you think about when you wake up on business travel? When is my breakfast coming?..THAT IS IT….you don’t think about anyone elses breakfast or what time the bus is leaving or who has bathed, etc.

I have learned a few lessons “on the road” these past 20 years I thought I would share and not the boring/normal stuff you hear like for example, a lie that no flight attendant will question is “I am the maid of honor in a wedding tomorrow and I am the only family member going and MUST get on this plane”. They will get misty eyed and not only have I gotten on flight, this will get you an upgrade to first class. I found that saying the following truth did not elicit empathy from anyone “look I am really tired and need to get on this flight so I get there earlier and get a good night sleep so I can wake up and finish my powerpoint in the am before my meeting so I don’t look like an asshole in front of boss”.

My go-to road rule is pretty simple: NEVER and I mean NEVER inform spouse who you have left at home to man the fort and care for children (especially if any of yours behave anywhere close to the Dictator)about dinners someone else bought you, how much fun your offsite “getting to know each other” exercise was, or worst of all “hey, guess what? I got upgraded”.

BTW, I am actually wearing my Wheat Thins tshirt under my blazer today to work, just to see if anyone notices. But, Microsoft peeps, back me up on this- I bet a million dollars that NO ONE says anything all day. Do you know why? This is Microsoft and this is Seattle and we have got some of smartest minds in the world here but seeing someone without shoes at work isn’t totally out of the question and the retro brand tshirts are all the rage with the millennials….oh, and we don’t drug test.

Off I go to be professional. So here are my 3 things for today:

1. What makes me pee my pants? Dennis Leary. I have actually also have a slight crush on- he has some funny/naughty/sexy thing happening. I just love Rescue Me. It is raw and funny. And I love his comment on racism. I agree 200%. The power is in the conversation.

2. Things I love? Pants with elastic, even with weight loss these are a welcomed comfort. Have you noticed the zipper goeth?

3. Shit I find redonkulous? That the cornerstone of all Hotel minibar’s food selection is the devil’s candy: NUTS

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