Day 25: “The Donger Need Food!!” and it ain’t pretty. The only thing keeping me going is the vision of myself as his sexy American girlfriend. What I would do for some wheat thins and some hummus (I would do anything except things that involve hurting animals or children, sex with anyone but Dougie, boogers or eating bugs)….and I don’t want a lot, just a true single serving, not that I have any idea what that is, as my normal definition of a single serving is when I am full … but I hear they tell you somewhere on the glorious yellow box.
Yesterday I got that Facebook reminder that Doug and I have been friends for 6 years with a sweet video of all our pictures together. Now, I feel certain that there are not a lot of people that when that little video of pictures pops up documenting your friendship with someone your newborn baby pops up half way through- or maybe it is more common than I think I need more exciting friends. A lot of people mentioned to me yesterday that they did not realize that Doug and I met on a blind date, or that they assumed that Des and Doug were really good friends when he set Doug up with me, but that is not the case. Here is how it went down.
I was lucky enough to be surrounded with some pretty amazing friends while going through my divorce in 2010. As they say, it takes a village, or in my case a bunch of supportive angry bitches who like to drink wine and talk shit about your ex. So one of my closest lieutenants at this time, Isabel, is married to Des, who I think of as my long lost brother. You can imagine his delight when every family dinner, weekend to the lake, weekend to the beach, etc. included not one wife, but two. He was a trooper, but I am pretty sure he saw his future and thought “I have got to get her off the payroll” and he was on a mission.
So I take you now to Labor Day weekend 2010, Isabel and I plus kids had headed to the beach on Thursday and Des, smartly, had a “meeting” so couldn’t come until Friday. So on Thursday he randomly runs into Doug at the golf course and they are shooting the shit and Des finds out that Doug is 1. Single and 2. Going to the same beach we are for the weekend. I envision in Des’s mind it was like the Price is Right “COME ON DOWN”!!!
So, Des casually asks Doug to join them in golf and begins talking up Isabel’s “hot friend” or as he told me later “I told him you were gorgeous and a lot of fun” and then finally admitted that what he really said is “she has big boobs”. Anyway, Doug commits to a date on like hole 5 and Des (expertly I might add) figured out that Doug was a man of his word and waited until the 19th hole and a few beers in before saying to Doug “She’s 41, divorced and has a 4 yr old, but you are gonna have a great time!”. You have never seen anyone happier than Des when he got down to the beach. The date was set up for Sunday night and god bless him, Doug showed up…and that was all she wrote. BOOM.
So Doug and I spent the next 14 months eating and drinking ourselves into a love fog and then 2 months after we got married I got pregnant and eating continued. So when I checked into the hospital to give birth to the Dictator (aka the OG) I am pretty sure I was pushing two-hundy. I had a scheduled csection, which was lovely by the way- like checking into a hotel except with really good legal drugs. Since I am no dummy (and it was still allowed 3 yrs ago) I sent Henry to the nursery and requested more Percocet and an ambien stat…because I was gonna get me some sleep dammit. Well, I forgot that they wake you up every 2 hours and don’t just check your vitals and take you to the bathroom, they now ask you questions and scan your wristband to make sure you are you.
SOOOO, it is about 4 am and a nurse comes in- no joke she was maybe 20, like 4 feet tall and could not have weighed a 100 lbs- she is really sweet asks me my name and birthdate. So I tell her “Margaret Brooke Lowry, 12-2-69” and there is a pause, dead silence and then like she had no idea she said it outloud she says “oh my God you are the oldest person on the WHOLE maternity ward”….she catches herself and is like “I am so sorry”. Then she gets a gander of my girth and her eyes get all big and finally I save her and say “why don’t you go get some help”- I mean anyone that has had a baby can back me up here, you have NO SHAME and do not care- you have birthed a human being and just want some drugs and peace and quiet. She takes her leave, and about 5 minutes later shows back up with whom I will assume was the janitor or elevator repairman- getting me out of bed took some work, but I was high as a kite and kept singing the teamwork song from Wonder Pets and cracking myself up. Pretty sure there was a “note” on my chart.
So my 3 things for the day:
1. What makes me pee my pants? Anything Jack Black. He is like Eddie Murphy to me, just the look on his face can send me into hysterics. I just love the fact that he also has an amazing voice. Here is one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:
Just play it while it have your coffee, really sets a good tone for your day.
2. Things I love? See above.
3. Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? People who do not like #1