Faithful readers (aka family, friends that feel sorry for me and coworkers who like to validate their assumption that I must be crazy) I apologize for my month long absence. I had some minor surgery- nothing serious and kind of gross- you will read about it in the book. Anyhoo, I had this surgery on Jan. 25th and because my life is never boring I had the rarest of complications and had to have a second surgery on Feb. 6th.
Now surgery is no fun my friends, but let me tell you what is: being high as shit on some hydrocodone, laying in a comfy bed binge watching The Crown, Victoria and a myriad of British crime shows on Netflix for 4 days post op…TWICE. Now, really it would not have been remotely as enjoyable if I did not have Doug bringing things….lots of things- he basically has run the show around here for a month- pretty sure he is totally over me. He checked on me like every 30 minutes and also I would text him when I needed/wanted something. I feel a lot better now about the prospect of aging and the perks of being married to a younger man have been solidly validated. My mother, whose advice I many times do not heed- especially not her fashion advice, since last Christmas Eve she leaned over to me at church and said “I think I have my pants on backward”, but one piece of solid life advice she gave me once when discussing how to determine if a person is marriage material was “will they push you in a wheelchair?” and it is so true folks- pick someone that will take care of you when you are sick and/or old. Doug is the bomb.
You know what else is fun while under the influence of painkillers while in bed with limited mobility? Well I’ll tell ya: ordering things online…especially clothes. So I was quite alarmed when suddenly Doug yelled at me from across the house “get off the internet!!” . It stopped me mid click…and I thought “how does he know about my new floral Gucci mules I had to have???”. Well folks I tell you how, he got a call from the Bank of America fraud department as they were alarmed our credit card had been stolen based on the volume and diversity of shopping occurring in rapid succession. If you tagged it on Instagram friends, I was buying it. I still have boxes arriving- it is like Christmas.
So right when I thought all the fun was gone I went for post op check up on January 27th and these joyous words were uttered by my Doctor “ YOU SHANT EXERCISE FOR 3 FORTNIGHTS”….well he actually said “you can’t exercise for 6 weeks” but like I said I was high and watching a lot of BBC shows at the time. I mean a true medical professional ordering me to be fat and lazy for not a month…no, no, no…6 weeks!! This was the most happy I had been since 8th grade when I stumbled upon a BOGO of Zinc Pink and Salmon Ice…it was glorious.
The time, guilt and effort saved once you remove the internal dialog of “I really should exercise” or “I am going to exercise”….gone- POOF- you have been told that you CAN’T. It is truly a beautiful thing, I can only wish all of you the gift of these words at some point in your life. Now you really self disciplined, healthy people likely would get freaked out about this- but the rest of you, you know of what I speak. So of course upon waking up in the recovery room after the second surgery all I wanted to validate with the nurse was “so that 6 week thing starts again now right? We don’t count the past 12 days- I mean right??”. Dreams do come true people and my current complete lack of muscle tone is all the proof you need. Also the meds killed my appetite so I am back to post Whole 30 weight after my failure in round 2 in January. My addiction to La Croix Pamplemouse remains strong but I have also added Cran-Ras to my arsenal- try it- especially tasty with Titos and some added lime.
So since I haven’t written in a month, it is painfully obvious this is not my fulltime job and my real fulltime job has been insanely busy so that combined with my addiction to Netflix- I have not watched “the news”, now that is not to say I have not paid attention, I have just chosen to block it out and live in a bubble….and order things online. Anyway, I have been catching up on all the comedy and satire of what has gone on- real and fake😉- and a friend at work sent this to me and it is just so damn funny- I hope it makes you laugh and most importantly makes you think. Regardless of what you think about US Politics or anywhere politics sit back and remember we have way more in common than different. Aziz is genius- I mean geography buffs??? Brown people doing normal stuff?? Scary ass music from Homeland??? He guided us with his eloquence??? Awesomesauce.