Day 31: “Once it hits your lips-it’s so good!”. Yes, people those Wheat Thins did not disappoint. It is 5:47 and I have already had my handful. I still feel like a million bucks and according to the scale I am 12 pounds lighter. Sadly when I awoke at 5, even before the Dictator, there was no celebration awaiting me and honestly, as I have said before the sleep on Whole 30 is so good, you do not want to give it up. But the scale was calling and my fans awaiting the news.
So I lumber to my bathroom, by myself ( I mean I guess that is obvious, but you never know if Doug had gotten really into the Whole 30 and wanted to share the moment- or if we had some weird thing where we go to the bathroom together) pull out the dusty scale, get naked and step onboard and I see a number I had not seen since pre-Henry. Thank you Jesus! (see you really do thank Jesus first be it weight loss or a grammy). Now, since I would never lie to you fine people, here is a small detail I left out of the previous description- when I leaned over to look at the number my glasses fell off (and anyone who has poor eyesight can empathize here) so it is bad enough that I have to lean wayyy forward to see the number under my big droopy boobs (AND sleep in a bra!…I digress, that is a future blog post) but then I had to step off, put my contacts in and try again.
THEN, none of my dream scale scenarios occurred sadly, the reality was more like a Modern Family moment with Billy Joel singing “Just the Way you are” in the background. I mean I won’t even describe the sad pair of PJ’s I wore last night, especially in light of the fact that Pajamas are my jam. It was so bad that if my life was a movie my costume designer, hair and makeup people would have been fired on the spot- like never would have worked again. Although there are a ton of positive effects of the Whole 30, there is a reason it isn’t called “The Whole Package”, I mean no amount of nuts or coconut oil is going to thicken, straighten and color my hair, remove dark circles or the many other issues of being me and some of the cruel results of being 46.
So here is the deal. Since I feel so great, look better and get pumped to write every morning- a few things are going to happen:
1. I am going to keep doing the Whole 30 80% of the time until Christmas and continue to share my thoughts, my rants and my failures. More details to come.
2. I am starting a BLOG. Should be up in the next couple of weeks and all of you will have to read it.
3. I am going to eat the shit out of some Wheat Thins.
I have consulted my Board of Directors and Chief Creative Officers and below are the top 12 contenders for name of my Blog. Please let me know which one gets your vote.
1. Confessions of a cracker addict
2. The Brooke Manifesto
3. Life is a box of Wheat Thins
4. Brooke has lost her crackers
5. #MMDRNF and other musings
6. It all depends…and other things that make me pee my pants
7. 2 Legit to quit.
8. Pour some crackers on me
9. Sprinkle wheat thins on my grave
10. Rabbit Pellet Ice and other stuff that’s off the hook
11. Damn, I’m funny!
12. Cracker is my spirit animal
My 3 things for today?
1. What makes me pee my pants?
2. What do I love? The UPS man and his beautiful brown truck.
3. Pet Peeves/Shit I find Redonkulous? When the UPS truck slows down in front of your house but does not stop.