Day 29 “ I’m Earnin and burnin, snappin necks and cashin checks”. BOOM. In 48 hours I will be having wheat thins for breakfast and doing a satanic ritual that involves nut burning. I am so fucking sick of nuts!! I am convinced that although a satisfying fat, once I can exchange nuts for crackers and hummus I will drop serious LBs. I know there are some Wheat Thin haters out there and I just have to say- live and let live- everyone has their own Jam- lets respect differences.
Yesterday, I was having some downtime while the rest of the family was at church- don’t worry I talked to JC and we are all good. He understands a good cup of coffee and a tear inducing CBS Sunday Morning episode. Anyhoo, after CBS Sunday Morning, I started flipping and was hopeful to find The Godfather or Shawshank or another fine film that can suck your life out and burn a couple of hours. For comparison, this is the exact opposite feeling you get when you see US Marshalls, The Pelican Brief or The Fugitive. I mean seriously I think there are some sadistic programming executives out there who know when the weak are hungover.
I have spoken of my deep anger and hatred toward the nut and the egg, but there is one other object I have grown to despise and it pains me to say it….the avocado. Now really this isn’t the avocado’s fault. It is lauded as the satisfying fat with texture that will trick your mind into thinking it is cheese during this month of denial. Well, as I noted yesterday, and my esteemed degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado exemplifies,…MMDRNF. I do appreciate avocado’s place in the world, especially when it comes to Mexican food and a nice addition to a salad, sandwich or omelet- but I think we can all agree it is a wolf in sheep’s clothing- it ain’t no cheese!
I am struggling with delight over which cheese to have first. Should it be some crumbled feta atop a salad assuming it’s place at the top of heap? A chunk of roughly chopped sharp cheddar on a wheat thin? Brie on a triscuit? Manchego with some salami? Truly the glorious options are endless. I am concerned about my ability to focus at work today. Coworkers you have been put on notice.
Speaking of planning, Wheatthinpalooza is Saturday night and the celebrity invite list is growing. Ellen was the most obvious miss on my initial list- so here is where it stands as of today:
• Bill Murray
• David Sedaris
• Miranda Lambert
• Jennifer Aniston
• Oprah **she will be invited solely on her being a slam dunk present giver.
• Mike Tolbert (for Erin)
And to recap:
Requirements include: Being funny, thinking I am funny, enjoying a cocktail, cussing and understanding the importance of a good hostess gift. Extra points if they are also a closet smoker!
My 3 things for today:
1. What makes me pee my pants laughing? Step Brothers. This is a movie that grows on you. So it is like the 5th time you watch it that you grow to love it.
2. What do I love? Not nuts.
3. Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? The amount of time, attention and money required for appropriate hair removal and upkeep at a certain age for females. I can’t even rant about it, as just the thought of shaving, waxing, tweezing, plucking, threading, cutting, coloring or straightening makes me cringe.