Day 28: “ I like to party, I like my Jesus to party”. Talladega Nights is a below average movie all up, but this is one of the most awesome scenes ever. Full clip below. If you have never seen it, prepare for all future praying to be forever tainted.
It’s Sunday and I am in the homestretch of the Whole 30- this combination has made me very reflective this morning and since I am cleansing my body, thought also a good time to cleanse my soul. So I dug down deep to find instances in my 46 years where perhaps I did not live up to my potential. Truly sad, embarrassing sins that I have confessed to very few people over the years.
This first instance is when I was 14 (1984) and “interviewing” to attend the prestigious Westminster Schools. For all of you in my class, who enjoyed my camaraderie in high school but often said behind my back “how in the HELL did she get in here?” Well, I lied in the interview…a lot. So here is how it went down back in the day- there were panel interviews with 4 faculty members and 2 prospective students. So I notice upon arrival I am out of my element, now thankfully my Mom had talked me out of the off the shoulder ESPIRIT sweatshirt and frosty pink lipstick- but I could tell these other kids were looking down at me like “she probably doesn’t even read in the summer”. I knew I had to step up my game- my momma didn’t raise no fool.(MMDRNF) So we go into this conference room- kids on one side of table, faculty on the other- and they act like they are randomly coming up with questions, but you know that shit is rigged. So one of the first questions they ask us is “on a rainy day would you rather watch TV or read a book?”. So I promptly lie and say “read a book” (MMDRNF)- and the other two smarties nod their heads. Then they say “what was the last book you read?” and while I am busy mentally scanning the cliff notes on my desk at home- the really bad dorky liar next to me says “Gone with the Wind, in fact I have read it many times and find it thoroughly enjoyable.” BULLSHIT I wanted to say, but MMDRNF. So as the interviewers are trying not to laugh at the dorky liar I say “A Separate Peace”- ya know a period piece, a reputable length for an 8th grader with a little coming of age involved…believable.(MMDRNF) That got a solid round of acknowledgement. Then they asked if we spoke a foreign language. My immediate thought was I had seen The Sound of Music like 10 times and could sing Edelweiss, but folks don’t lie about what you can’t back up…MMDRNF. So here is where dorky liar put the nail in her coffin- she said “French and Hebrew” and the interviewers exchange a look like “she is lying or if she is not none of us know either language so we are screwed” and literally just ignore her. And I am thinking “Bitch, read your audience. The foreign language teachers are not coming in on a Saturday to interview spoiled brats- they don’t get paid enough, so you are impressing no one.” Needless to say, I got in, she did not. MMDRNF.
To effectively demonstrate the flaws in above interview process/evaluation and the gravity of those people’s poor decision, I will tell you what occurred when I was 18 (1988) and a senior in high school. Since my school took it’s designation as “Christian Preparatory” very seriously we took Bible freshman and senior year. So it is second semester senior year and I had just returned from Spring Break in…wait for it…CANCUN- because where better to send 18 yr olds with NO CHAPERONE…seriously cannot believe I talked my parents into that one. Again, validation of my great acting skills. And I can’t remember why, but myself and one other person had to make up a Bible quiz on the first day back from spring break. It was after school- empty halls, empty room except for myself and this one other person. The teacher hands us the quiz, leaves for the day and tells us to leave on her desk. I will cut to the chase, I cheated on a Bible quiz. I had never cheated on anything before – as my guilt reflex is strong, but at the time not as strong as my understanding that college was kind of important. MMDRF. So I suffered in silence..until I got to Boulder and then I just forgot as I was busy learning to ski. But I am pretty sure that most people cannot say that the first and only time they ever cheated on anything was a Bible quiz. So at least I have that going for me.
Jump forward 15 years and my moral compass is still questionable. I had a good friend whose husband had cheated on her with one of her best friends- most of which happened while she was pregnant with her second child and her first child was a toddler! Horrifying behavior- and since I could not kill the whore friend, nor my friend’s ex husband, as I just don’t think I would enjoy prison- I committed myself to hating her ex-husband with a vengeance. And I mean EVERY time his name came up I would think to myself and tell my friend how if I ever see him I will cuss him out, slap him, embarrasses him, etc.- I mean it was going to be a scene. Well, jump forward about a year and I am in grocery store with Molly (she is about 3), to be more specific the produce section and I look up from accessing a broccoli crown (which just a personal thing but the crowns are just better than the full bunches) and right in front of my face is said ex-husband. The following thoughts and words occurred in no more than a total of 2 minutes but felt like 30. At first I do not recognize him, as I hadn’t seen him in 4 years- he is tan, thin and just looks good- so of course I say immediately “Heyyyy, how are you?” I then initiate a hug and proceed to say “Have you lost weight? You look great!”. No joke. It was like I was possessed by the devil. I tell myself I did this because I had a child there and I needed to set a good example, but I think I am just a weak, weak person….and a really good actress. MMDRNF.
In my defense, I did immediately call my friend in the Harris Teeter parking lot and confess my betrayal. Luckily she still loves me.
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? This:
- What do I love? Being in my house by myself. I don’t know if it is same for single people or married people without kids- but I literally cherish being in my house alone. For my birthday last year, I asked for a weekend at home alone. Ladies, back me up on this.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? People who act like they don’t like cheese and crackers. In order to be my friend you must acknowledge the gloriousness of this union. NOW, you can certainly choose not to eat this combo all the time due to health issues or skinny jean goals but don’t try to sell me the BS that you don’t like cheese or crackers or any combination of the two. MMDRNF.