Day 26: “There is a very fat pair of pants hanging on the flagpole this morning”. Oh it is a good one, Meatballs, starring Sir Bill Murray. Speaking of fat pants, there just aren’t as many of them in the days of “stretch”- even that 5% of elastane can help you squeeze into those pants. Kids, back in the day of 100% cotton Levis, the struggle was real- you either fit in them or not and the “not” was so uncomfortable and unattractive, no long tunic was gonna solve that problem.
This weekend, inbetween zoodling and ketchup making I plan to clean out my closet. I am doing this 1. Because I have nothing else to do and 2. I need to prep for my big reveal next week…although we all know who is getting my final rose;-)!! Oh, the mighty wheat thin cometh.
I get so excited when I think about getting on the scale. I fantasize about what will happen when I get on it, not necessarily the number that will appear but like if it was a movie and there was a soundtrack with it. I envision it going one of two ways. First, as soon as step on there is an immediate Ethel Merman like voice that kicks in with “Start spreading the news….” Or that as I look down and get all teary eyed at the low number, simultaneously there is a montage of pictures of me over the past month staring longingly at a box of wheat thins, eating nuts in various states of distress, zoodling with a great manicure and sweating in yoga with full makeup in a very difficult pose with Barry Manilow singing “Looks like we made it” in the background. Just wait… people who just started the Whole 30, you too will enjoy quite a good fantasy life, it is God’s way of helping you through the nut-laden hell.
The sidekick of the sadistic nut in the Whole 30 is the EGG. Seriously, if you don’t like eggs I don’t think you could do the Whole 30. It is like the Bubba Gump Shrimp of your daily existence- you will poach, scramble, fry, boil (hard and soft), omelette, frittata- and you will put an egg on ANYTHING. At first you and the egg are on a honeymoon because bacon is really encouraged on the Whole 30-and you literally skip to the kitchen on those first few mornings like “that’s right, bout to make some eggs, get some bacon up in there top that shit with avocado!!”. But, mark my words, by day 20 you will look at the egg carton with great hatred. It is kind of like when Will Ferrell in Elf looks at the fake Santa says “ You sit on a throne of lies!!!”.
Another piece of sage advice you will not find in the Whole 30 book, save up/deny yourself as many months of Netflix, Itunes, onDemand anything, Amazon, etc. movie and show binge watching as possible. When you are not having dessert or drinking you need to get away from the kitchen ASAP in the evenings and weekends- now, yes you can workout and other constructive/healthy activities but I found secluding ones self to the bedroom was most effective during these trying times. But by day 8 I had literally binged watched everything I found remotely interesting. Now everyone’s tastes are different, but I think we can all agree that if you are watching the red headed cousin to Twilight series about vampire murders and criticizing the lack of character development it is time to have a cracker.
My 3 things for today:
- Things that make me pee my pants laughing? This letter. The Stink Shield. It is an oldie but a goodie.
- Things I love? Puzzles- like the kind you put together on a table. This love does not extend to crossword or sodoku.
- Pet Peeves/shit I find redonkulous? People who lack empathy. I could go off here, but I will keep it brief. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to me is one of the most essential life skills and if you are raising a human being this better be at the top of your list.