Day 19: “I’ve been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time? Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.” Speaking of a feast, for comparison purposes, as many people have asked me what can you eat/what do you eat on the Whole 30 so I thought I would share my definition of a feast over the past 4 years vs. a feast on the Whole 30:
Before Whole 30:
•Cheese and Crackers/Chips and cheese dip (aka pre-party)
•1 Cocktail (I like to just say 1, but read this kind of like that form at the Dr.’s office where you lie your ass off about your total alcohol consumption- especially during your children’s toddler years)
•Protein of any kind- I have never discriminated.
•Carbs, Carbs, Carbs on the side: rice, couscous, pasta,etc.
•Green Vegetable- here I have also never discriminated- seriously have always loved kale and broccoli. I also have been known to dice it up on top of a Dominos pizza to make it healthy. Hellloooo denial.
•2 glasses of wine (again like doctor’s office)
•Rarely dessert- now this is something really odd about me, not the only one, and not as odd as the fact that I hate ballpoint pens and that I must have a ultra fine point sharpie to write with at all times, but still odd- I am just not into sweets and desserts. Now, occasionally I may want a bite of something, but this has just never been a thing for me.
During Whole 30 feast:
•3 pieces of celery and homemade ranch dressing.
•LaCroix Pamplemousse (some people say LaCroix grapefruit but I find pamplemousse makes me sound much more sophisticated and it is just fun to say. Try it in a sentence. “Your weiner looks like a huge pamplemouse”….see isn’t that fun? Elisabeth Ayres, do you recall us enjoying this word extensively in our biking trip in Europe??
•Protein of any kind
•Potatoes or zoodles with some sort of homemade sauce
•Banana with almond butter.
I am already fantasizing about my graduation feast (aka Weatthinpalooza) and will share more next week.
So a few people have commented that the Dictator tales have really fallen off my social media feeds now that the Whole 30 is in full swing. Do not fear, this has not happened because he has suddenly became an angel or that there is no material there. I have been processing. I have not been able to see my therapist lately due to all my free time being dedicated to mincing garlic, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. I am sad to share that, people WE HAVE A BITER! Yes, the second week of school some poor new girl in his class thought (incorrectly I might add) that Henry may want to share the truck he was playing with- well, she was wrong and he opened a can of whoop ass on her in form of biting the shit out of her hand. You can imagine how well the conversation with him about “using his feeling words” went. One of my friends said it was likely a result of him just being hungry after being subjected to the Whole 30 fare vs. a permanent personality trait.
I have always joked that he will be the death of me, well it has begun, I went to ortho yesterday to address some pain in my shoulder. I fully assumed this was my first official “sports injury”, ya know since I do yoga 5 days a week (again, read like Dr.’s office form). So this Dr. had a group of residents come in and was doing all these strength tests and since I had on my yoga clothes, I was fancying myself on a Fitness magazine photoshoot during entire appointment and when they asked me if I has small children I said yes, a 3 yr old and he looked back at my chart and I was waiting for a “no way you are 46, you are in phenomenal shape” but I heard “ohhhhh, I believe you are suffering from bursitis in your rotator cuff due to the “reach around””. I was like “scuse me? And he said, “ ya know when you are driving and reach back to hand something to kids in the backseat” and I was like “motherfucker”…no I didn’t really say MF, there were young impressionable medical minds in the room. The term reacharound I just can’t even address.
The Dictator has also been home sick this week and has really tested my patience, but also increased my belief a mother of the year award is in my near future. Why you ask? Guess what he likes to eat while sick? A GRILLED CHEESE. So when I took that white bread and lovingly buttered it (on both sides) and added not one, but two thick slices of Cracker Barrel extra sharp cheddar and cooked on low to nicely brown outside without burning and to ensure perfect cheese melting- then cut and separated the sandwich with the cheese stretching and wrapping around my fingers- which I pulled off and threw away vs. eating (it was a travesty) …I just looked at him, one long lingering look and I thought “remember this. I made you a grilled cheese while on the Whole 30”.
So here are my three things:
1.What makes me pee my pants? Anjelah Johnson. Bon Qui Qui is my favorite, but she is awesome all around. “oh, now you want some cheese?”
2.Things I love? List making. If it is on a list, that shit will get done!
3.Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous: Packing kids lunches. I despise this and luckily haven’t had to do it for 6 years, but I will never go back.