Day 16: “That’s right, we bad. We don’t take no shit”. I cannot hear about Willy Wonka or Young Frankenstein for one more second, has no one seen Stir Crazy??? Video below.
But really what is keeping me from breaking down halfway through Whole 30 and having a loaf of bread smothered in five cheeses (which by the way why is the 4-cheese pizza/sandwich, etc. the acceptable number for cheese- why not 5 I ask you)?
I have entertained myself endlessly for the past 24 hours just saying WIENER (WEINER)….I mean what word could be more fun to say than weiner? For example, instead of “I enjoy a good hotdog” don’t you find “I love a good weiner” a lot more enjoyable to recite? Few words bring me as much pleasure- except maybe jackass. I mean some people are assholes, some people are bitches and some other words even I cannot put in type- but you just can’t beat a good ol’ jackass. This is a perfect term for Ryan Lochte.
Anyhoo, I digress- back to Whole 30. So I heard the funniest story yesterday- so there is this woman (rumor has it she is much older and not as funny as me) who is also doing the Whole 30 and on day 15 after being deprived for OVER 2 weeks of her beloved carbs, dairy and alcohol she could take no more and needed to embrace a vice of some sort, so she thought “hmmm how about a cigarette” (or maybe she said “I want a cigarette?” I don’t know since I wasn’t there) but shockingly there are no Whole 30 approved smokes out there, so she deduced IF there were a Whole 30 approved cigarette it would most likely be an American Spirit, as they are natural don’t ya know.:-) So aforementioned woman snuck out to the back porch after everyone was asleep and smoked a cigarette with great pomp and circumstance. I heard she found it quite enjoyable. I have no idea who this woman is, but I bet I would like her. As Lewis Grizzard, one of the greatest southern writers in my estimation, always said- nothing good ever happens on the back porch.
Dude, I need a carb bad- and have really determined it all boils down to a cracker. I am going to commit myself to do for the cracker what Meghan Trainor did for the Booty. I am going to revitalize the cracker industry on day 31. Because let’s be honest, all things bread-like ultimately want to be a cracker deep down inside- HELLOOO Croutons and Bruschetta!
Our recycling gets picked up today and I thought 2 weeks ago how lonely our recycling bin was going to be while I was on Whole 30- but it isn’t lonely, just lighter and when they empty it, it doesn’t sound like a symphony of glass wine bottles but instead a serious frat rush party level can emptying- I am starting to think the amount of La Croix drinking can’t be good, but it is keeping me sane.
So here are my 3 things:
1. What makes me pee my pants? Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor together. “You better get bad Jack”
2. What do I love? Books and Book Jackets. I do love to read, but I will buy the shit out of some coffee table books, just because they have colorful covers that appeal to me. Amazon one click is my greatest downfall, besides crackers and pajamas. I just cannot embrace online reading either- I want to touch the book, smell it and look at it.
3. Pet Peeve? (this may be renamed Things that piss me off) When my kids won’t taste things- especially things I cook. Just friggin taste it and if you don’t like it you never have to have it a again- well that’s a lie, but just taste it dammit!