So on June 12th I decided for like the fourth time this year that I am a lazy, fat piece of shit and that I needed to get it together. Now, never being one to bite off more than I can chew (unless we are talking pizza where they have not put on the appropriate/excessive amount of pepperoni and you have to over extended your normal bite size to ensure you get a whole piece of pepperoni in your bite…I mean if not, it would just be cheese pizza right?) it is not like I would ever exercise AND eat healthy- I normally like to embrace one or the other- as I don’t like to show off.
Since June 12th I FEEL like I have worked out 50 of the last 56 days….but the truth is, because now thanks to technology I can see which classes I paid for and attended…I have worked out 20 times, so barely twice a week- that is pitiful. What is even more pitiful is that there are 2 classes I paid for and didn’t go to, because I could not get my lazy ass out of bed.
I have lots of excuses- many of which are out of my control. For example, I had to spend a WEEK, not a weekend, not 4 days but a WEEK in VEGAS for work. Now if you have never been, or have only been when young and partying- take my word for it that Vegas when you are old, sober and working…in July when it is 112 degrees…is truly hell on earth and really your main concern is bathing, not exercising. And when not chugging water and mentally trying to work through why people would take their children on vacation to a place where there are hookers and people still smoke inside…you think about food- and Vegas has good food.
Now in the past 8 weeks my overall body has gotten stronger and firmer and I can visibly see less cellulite (if you don’t know what this is, it is highly likely we cannot be friends), my jeans fit better- but I have not weighed myself and I will tell you why- because the number would likely scare me. Not because I have a hard time recognizing numbers over 150, but because what I have put in the ol’ pie hole over the past 8 weeks has been pretty disgusting so I have just gained weight over my new muscle and it is just depressing to think of the super model wanting to break free from my brie and sparkling rose cushion! Envision muscles wanting to be set free from a layer of fried shrimp, beer and crinkle fries. As an add on to my book, I am going to do an animated short documentary of how my brain and body responds to food- a la “Monty Phython’s Meaning of Life”…I just feel like I need to let my cheese and bread freak flag fly. It will be narrated by Keith Morrison or Morgan Freeman. Stay tuned.
Many people do not believe how quickly and solidly I can fall off the Whole 30 wagon, so I thought I would share a typical day of eating last week at the beach and my thoughts that go along with the consumption:
- 5:37 am: “The Dictator has slept late! Yipppeee! Must have coffee. And then eggs..do we have avocado? Could I melt cheese on leftover BBQ? “
- 6:00 am: Make Coffee. Drink Coffee. “I used almond milk in my coffee, I am sooo healthy”
- 6:30 am: Eat 2 eggs and half an avocado. “ I am still sooo healthy”
- 7:00 am: Eat brownie. “I am on vacation”
- 7:14 am: Have leftover BBQ with shredded mozzarella on top. “I really needed some protein to balance out that sugar”.
- 8:00 am: Have handful of wheatthins. “Who bought these? I would never have bought these.”
- 9:00 am: Have a piece of bacon and some fruit. “Someone had to make the bacon for the kids. Fruit is healthy.”
- 10:00 am: Bag of mini-ritz crackers. “Who bought these? Hmmm only 100 calories, I will burn that off putting on sunscreen.”
- 11:30 am: “Time for Lunch. I bet the kids are starving.” Make lunch for kids and eat most of it. Cheese quesadilla, chips, fruit and oreos. “Oreos are good. Who bought these?”
- 12:00 pm: “I need a proper lunch”. Make delicious and healthy salad. Eat aforementioned salad.
- 12:30 pm: Graze cracker/snack section of kitchen. “who bought the Nutter Butters??”
- 1-3 pm: Nap time.
- 3:30 pm: “Kids need some energy, I bet they would like some peanut butter crackers, some leftover fried chicken and a coke”. Eat peanut butter crackers, fried chicken and a coke.
- 5:00 pm: “Time for a cocktail”. Have cocktail.
- 6:30-7 pm: Eat huge dinner with wine. No thoughts here, just eating and drinking.
- 9:30 pm: Talking, watching TV or puzzling. “I need just a little something salty and one more glass of wine”. Eat bag a Fritos and finish bottle of wine.
- 10 pm: “I should go to bed”. Get in bed. Watch 3 hours of Netflix.
So I know it is hard to remember, but I am not a fitness expert!! However, I still feel I can tell you very adamantly that working out 4-5 days a week and eating healthy will work if you want to lose weight and get in shape. Challenge is doing it all at one time. Like I said I don’t like to show off.
I leave you with some truth from my beloved Jack Black.