“Otis, MY MAN!” Now, I don’t mean to compare WHEATTHINOALOOZA to Animal House- but it was pretty awesome. The Whole 30 book says on the cover “The 30 Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom”, so I would assume that most people do not celebrate their Whole 30 ending in quite the same way. I have never been a conformer.
So here are some things that may or not have happened at Wheatthinpalooza:
- Sticks of wheat were utilized as photo props
- Heated discussion on best flavor of La Croix
- Contemplation of creating a new group centered around MC Hammer called “Hammy Pants”
- A case of wine consumed.
- 1 glass broken
- Buffs lost, Tide won and the Dawgs caused heart attacks
- People who hate dancing (husbands) trying to ignore those that love dancing (wives)
- Criticism of playlist
- Off key Sing a longs
- Conga line to “happy” with full Pharrell moves
- Technology arguments
- Contest and Sharing of reading glasses to try and read ingredients on Wheat Thins box.
- Drunk people
- Discussions of “What is the Whole 30” while eating wheat thins, and cheese and drinking wine.
All in all a success and I feel awesome. I did wake up with a huge zit. I think that is God’s way of saying “enough, get over yourself”. Anyhoo, a HUGE thank you to my sweet fun friends that made last night so memorable.
My 3 things today:
- What makes me pee my pants? Stalks of wheat tied to columns in my kitchen/living room.
- What do I love? Drinking coffee and watching CBS Sunday Morning
- Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? People who go to Church to be “seen”.
Day 34: “Listen, strange women lyin’ in ponds distributin’ swords is no basis for a system of government.” If you haven’t seen The Holy Grail in awhile, get thee to itunes. It is a gift.
So yesterday I caved, it was all Molly’s fault. As I am a fan of perspective (aka “spin”) I blame my digression on my child. Here is why: she had an eye doctor appointment that took longer than we thought and she had her eyes dilated, so I was sensitive to HER need of food and so I said “do you want to go to the Roasting Company or the Roasting Company” (give children a choice I always say). As Charlotte peeps will know, the Roasting Company is a lovely little spot that serves primarily rotisserie chicken with veggies, which in and of itself isn’t an earth shattering restaurant concept…BUT, and here is where they take that shit home….they pour QUESO on it! AHHHHHHHH-Men!
I mowed that bird down. Now I did show some self restraint (again all about how you spin it)- Molly also got a side of chips and queso and I did not partake of not even one chip, nor did I touch her bowl of queso. I may or may not have licked my finger when I handed her the plate. I had a revelation, now I am no theologian, but my years of clinical research have shown that on the 7th day there was no resting, there was QUESO making.
Like most people I have been trying to ignore the news lately, unless it is an article in the Onion, other than that it is all depressing. However, Henry got me up at 5:07 this morning and viewing choices were limited, so I put on the news and heard some commentary on the white house and it got me imagining that I may be president one day. I mean it could happen- I was born in America, am in good health and I have a potty mouth. Of course, as any normal person would, the next thought was not all the positive changes I would make and all the good I would do- nope, I thought “what would my Secret Service nickname be” and of course then that led to coming up with ones for the whole family.
Me: Cracker (this is like a triple entendre, if there is such a thing)
Doug: D. Fresh
Henry: The Dictator
Code Phrase for emergencies: What is that smell?
So here is what led me to tears a few minutes ago- not the names, but like envisioning what an agent would say into his lapel mic at 9 pm on a random night “Cracker and D. fresh going outside for a nightcap, The Dictator is on the move, I repeat on the Dictator is on move. Mini-me is in kitchen, looking for Nutella.” And then like if the crazy dude jumped the fence again “What is that smell on the lawn?” repeat, “What is that Smell”.
Are these not thoughts everyone has while having coffee???
I was reminded yesterday of how lucky I am to have so many awesome people in my life- and although I love me some Dougie and have some dear Male friends, really my go-tos are my girls, my tribe, my village. But I have a new way to think about this instead of thinking of your best friends as the ones that are there in times of tragedy and joy- I like to think of them in two ways:
- Who are my window wavers? ( Thank you Matt Hudgins for redefining this for me. ) Like when I get rich and famous and am having wine in the morning with Hoda and KLG, who will outside the window waving at me. Those are your serious peeps
- Who is fully committed to coming to the old folks home and plucking all erroneous hairs from chin, ears and nose? These are the same people in your life that will erase your Netflix “recently watched” section immediately upon your untimely death.
My 3 things for today?
- What makes me pee my pants? Monty Python. There is so much goodness, so am including this for your weekend viewing pleasure:
2.What do I love? Pillows. I do not discriminate between sleeping/bed or decorative and money is no object.
3. Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? People who are assholes.
Day 33: “He hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!” I feel ya Navin, that is the same way I feel about nuts. I have been nut free for 2 days now. In full disclosure I did put almond butter on a banana for breakfast today, but I feel the “butter” part distinguishes it from it’s parent species.
The Whole 30 totally backs up the theory that feeling good, being healthy and ultimately losing wait is 80% about what you put in the ol’ pie hole and only 20% exercise. And another thing that was a revelation and also a really tough mental change was not counting calories or fat grams- that it is totally the type/kind of food/calorie/fat. It is truly not a diet, but a way to totally change your relationship with food. Now any non-diet where you lose weight AND feel like a million bucks…why wouldn’t you try it people?? If I can go it. You can do it.
Today is Friday, which is exciting in and of itself, but it is more importantly the day before WHEATTHINPALOOZA. The excitement in the Lowry household is mounting as you can imagine. All of the key elements for a successful party are underway: Fabulous outfit in the hizzle, Playlist created, Wheat Thins purchased, Food ordered, booze acquired, kids packed for shipping off to grandparents.
So this will be my third day of eating Wheat Thins, so I have technically had soy, grains and alcohol with no ill effects….the dairy and straight up sugar still on the horizon for consumption. So if all advice is correct combining crackers, cheese, Chocolate and alcohol tomorrow will result in feeling like crap on Sunday. Thank God, I am a planner- Sunday afternoon I am flying to Seattle. I mean what could make you feel better than flying 5 hours on a germtube with questionable smells and someone pushing diet coke and nuts at you??
I fly a lot and a lot to the west coast, so I am used to this journey after 20 years at Microsoft (I know shocking, I started as a High School intern) and my advice on flying and travelling in general is just assume everything will suck, like have the lowest of expectations and then even if the person next to you talks non-stop for 5 hours, you can think to yourself “they bathed!, it is a win win”. Always have: Water, snacks, diverse reading materials (I go from the Economist to People, good to have variety kind of like flipping on the TV and you never know what persona you may want to present to those around you), mints, gum and hand lotion with a subtle good smell. This last one can save you when you sit next to Mr. McSmelly -just put lotion on your hands and then assume The Thinker pose for a few hours…it works. And one last thing NEVER, and I mean NEVER look forward to the seat next to you being empty- you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. It is rare it happens these days, like finding a unicorn or trusting a sneeze post-childbirth. Just don’t do it.
Ok, I do have a real job I need to attend to and I need to start arranging my Wheat Thin displays.
My 3 things for today:
- Things that make me pee my pants?
- Things I love? Jersey Boys. I have seen it 4 times on Broadway, once in Charlotte. If you haven’t seen. Go. And try to see in NYC, as the August Wilson theater is just the perfect venue, it is just a fun, toe tapping good time. If you aren’t on your feet at some point- something is wrong with you!!! The movie sucked.
- Pet Peeve/Things I find redonkulous? Passwords. Like if I get rich and famous- before I get a chef or masseuse or a personal garlic mincer I am hiring a personal password assistant that at anytime of the day or night I just shout out “facebook”, “jcrew”, “work email”, “bank”, “credit card Doug doesn’t know about”…and I envision him/her in all black with an earbud- kind of like secret service shouting out answers from a dark corner.
Day 32: “Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?” So, I cleaned out my closet yesterday to justify all my new purchasing that was about to happen. I mentally justify what I bring in, by the volume I put out. It’s simple math people. It is also part of what I call creating an “illusion” of my generosity to make me feel better about my self-indulgence in nice clothes. Hey, whatever works. There are a few things I really want that are ungodly expensive and I thought “hmmm I really need this and my public is expecting me to really step it up in these days of Carbalicious”. (Side note, I love that now my laptop and phone have accepted carbalicious and redonkulous as real words and no longer autocrorrect). I contemplated a Crowdfunding method, but then I thought 1. I really like being married and 2. A public stoning of a parent is not something most children can block out.
The above thoughts coupled with having one’s first vodka drink in a month had interesting consequences. Hysterically I was so used to making my La Croix over rabbit pellet ice with excessive lime juice- I forgot initially to add the vodka and then when I did I couldn’t really taste it. It wasn’t until I began online shopping that the libations presence became abundantly clear. Just an FYI as you go about your day: 1. Amazon is low on clean eating cookbooks and 2. “Looks we like” at Nordstorms is all out of anything a size 6 or 8.
I thank you all for your congratulations and also for your input on Blog name. I have decided to keep Blog name and tagline a surprise until it launches in a few weeks. But all of the 12 options will be used as titles for essays and/or chapters in my book that you will all buy and tell your friends, neighbors and UPS man to buy.
Here is a kick in a balls, there is a newly released book call “Sprinkle Glitter on my Grave” by a Mom with a show on Bravo and to put salt in our creative wound her first book was called “Sometimes I feel like a nut”. So I fear of copyright infringement takes Sprinkle Wheat Thins on my Grave off the table- but pretty sure this lady and I need to be friends.
So everyone is asking how was the first day of Wheat Thins? It was fab. So I ate on the Whole 30 yesterday except for the glorious serving of Wheat Thins and hummus, sushi for dinner and a vodka drink. And the best part- NO FUCKING NUTS!!! I still feel great, and sleep was off the hook. So I am not going to introduce dairy until Saturday. I know that is news you could not live without. I am not going to introduce sweets per se, but am being conscious of what I eat having added sugar. I do want to call out that the last time I weighed what I weigh now I was skinnier, which I am thinking validates the whole muscle weighs more than fat theory. My plan is to weigh weekly until Christmas to gauge impact of various foods, exercise and celebrations. Earth shattering news coming your way.
Sushi was off the hook by the way. I had conference calls until 6 pm yesterday and fam hit Mellow Mushroom without me and since I deserved a good meal, I postmated Sushi to myself. When I answered the door, I thought ‘this fine gentleman has no idea of his gift and his tip is going to make his day”. But really he couldn’t give shit.
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants? George Carlin. He speaketh the truth people. You likely see a theme with my comedians. I just love to laugh and think bringing social commentary out in a humorous way can be so powerful.
- Things I love? The smell of new clothes. Like fresh.
- Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? Adult acne and the fact that the massive underground zit only appears when you are about to stand up in front of a lot of people.
Day 31: “Once it hits your lips-it’s so good!”. Yes, people those Wheat Thins did not disappoint. It is 5:47 and I have already had my handful. I still feel like a million bucks and according to the scale I am 12 pounds lighter. Sadly when I awoke at 5, even before the Dictator, there was no celebration awaiting me and honestly, as I have said before the sleep on Whole 30 is so good, you do not want to give it up. But the scale was calling and my fans awaiting the news.
So I lumber to my bathroom, by myself ( I mean I guess that is obvious, but you never know if Doug had gotten really into the Whole 30 and wanted to share the moment- or if we had some weird thing where we go to the bathroom together) pull out the dusty scale, get naked and step onboard and I see a number I had not seen since pre-Henry. Thank you Jesus! (see you really do thank Jesus first be it weight loss or a grammy). Now, since I would never lie to you fine people, here is a small detail I left out of the previous description- when I leaned over to look at the number my glasses fell off (and anyone who has poor eyesight can empathize here) so it is bad enough that I have to lean wayyy forward to see the number under my big droopy boobs (AND sleep in a bra!…I digress, that is a future blog post) but then I had to step off, put my contacts in and try again.
THEN, none of my dream scale scenarios occurred sadly, the reality was more like a Modern Family moment with Billy Joel singing “Just the Way you are” in the background. I mean I won’t even describe the sad pair of PJ’s I wore last night, especially in light of the fact that Pajamas are my jam. It was so bad that if my life was a movie my costume designer, hair and makeup people would have been fired on the spot- like never would have worked again. Although there are a ton of positive effects of the Whole 30, there is a reason it isn’t called “The Whole Package”, I mean no amount of nuts or coconut oil is going to thicken, straighten and color my hair, remove dark circles or the many other issues of being me and some of the cruel results of being 46.
So here is the deal. Since I feel so great, look better and get pumped to write every morning- a few things are going to happen:
- I am going to keep doing the Whole 30 80% of the time until Christmas and continue to share my thoughts, my rants and my failures. More details to come.
- I am starting a BLOG. Should be up in the next couple of weeks and all of you will have to read it.
- I am going to eat the shit out of some Wheat Thins.
I have consulted my Board of Directors and Chief Creative Officers and below are the top 12 contenders for name of my Blog. Please let me know which one gets your vote.
- Confessions of a cracker addict
- The Brooke Manifesto
- Life is a box of Wheat Thins
- Brooke has lost her crackers
- #MMDRNF and other musings
- It all depends…and other things that make me pee my pants
- 2 Legit to quit.
- Pour some crackers on me
- Sprinkle wheat thins on my grave
- Rabbit Pellet Ice and other stuff that’s off the hook
- Damn, I’m funny!
- Cracker is my spirit animal
My 3 things for today?
- What makes me pee my pants?
- What do I love? The UPS man and his beautiful brown truck.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find Redonkulous? When the UPS truck slows down in front of your house but does not stop.
Day 30: “Hey everyone, come see how good I look!!” God I love Will Ferrell. And Anchorman, is another movie I did not like the first time I saw it, but it grew on me. The quotes are endless here, but today was a tie with the above and “You have a dirty, whorish mouth”.
The feeling I have on this last day of the Whole 30 must be similar to the excitement and delirium experienced by those on their final ascent up Mount Everest….this is solely based on watching EVEREST on HBO 20 times this month when trying not to think about eating nuts or not eating wheat thins. I also like to visualize if I had a little red wagon like Oprah how much fat would be in it??
I am thrilled to announce to you, my dedicated readers, that I have decided my next 30 days will be committed to “Making the Cracker Great Again”. This will include such celebrations as Manchego Monday and since alcohol will be back in the mix, Shredded Saturday. The options for celebrations are endless.
I am going to the store today to stock up on wheat thins, other crackers, cheese and hummus. I am talking like Doomsday prepper levels. As not only do I have pent-up consumption, but Wheatthinpalooza is just 5 days away. The dawn of Carbalicious is almost upon us. The excitement is building to a crescendo.
Too many friends from high school got in touch in past couple days, not to express their shock and awe regarding my soul baring stories, but to say things like “why didn’t you tell the story of us drinking Fat Tuesday’s behind the gym” or “remember when we got fired from TCBY for eating toppings” . Now first of all, I do want to call out that I think we can all agree that nothing “good” ever has, nor will ever happen behind a gym. Like I feel like that is a waste of a story. As a parent, instead of that lie most people use “nothing good ever happens after midnight”….which really is a lie as it may be embarrassing, morally compromising, career limiting, etc.- especially in the days of the internet- but it is always good;-) Anyhoo, this is my diary and these are my stories people and I decide when I get to embarrass myself. Let’s make the cracker great again!!
I know many of you have been thinking “how is the Whole 30 playlist coming along”- well, I will tell you- quite nicely thank you for asking. Really it has remained unchanged except the addition of Eric Church’s “Drink in my Hand” , which as you know is as popular with the toddler set as twinkle twinkle. Henry, formerly known as the Original Gansta, who will now be called Bohephus due to his new found love of country- likes to request this song as “Hand in Drink mommy”. Again I think this is a fine example of instilling the love of music in your children.
My three things for today:
- Things that make me pee my pants laughing? 60% of the time it works all time!
- Thing I love? Dog People. Now this is different than loving Dogs. I just feel like Dog people get it. Even really weird Dog people.
- Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? The 20 lb restoration hardware catalog. Just why?
Day 29 “ I’m Earnin and burnin, snappin necks and cashin checks”. BOOM. In 48 hours I will be having wheat thins for breakfast and doing a satanic ritual that involves nut burning. I am so fucking sick of nuts!! I am convinced that although a satisfying fat, once I can exchange nuts for crackers and hummus I will drop serious LBs. I know there are some Wheat Thin haters out there and I just have to say- live and let live- everyone has their own Jam- lets respect differences.
Yesterday, I was having some downtime while the rest of the family was at church- don’t worry I talked to JC and we are all good. He understands a good cup of coffee and a tear inducing CBS Sunday Morning episode. Anyhoo, after CBS Sunday Morning, I started flipping and was hopeful to find The Godfather or Shawshank or another fine film that can suck your life out and burn a couple of hours. For comparison, this is the exact opposite feeling you get when you see US Marshalls, The Pelican Brief or The Fugitive. I mean seriously I think there are some sadistic programming executives out there who know when the weak are hungover.
I have spoken of my deep anger and hatred toward the nut and the egg, but there is one other object I have grown to despise and it pains me to say it….the avocado. Now really this isn’t the avocado’s fault. It is lauded as the satisfying fat with texture that will trick your mind into thinking it is cheese during this month of denial. Well, as I noted yesterday, and my esteemed degree in Psychology from the University of Colorado exemplifies,…MMDRNF. I do appreciate avocado’s place in the world, especially when it comes to Mexican food and a nice addition to a salad, sandwich or omelet- but I think we can all agree it is a wolf in sheep’s clothing- it ain’t no cheese!
I am struggling with delight over which cheese to have first. Should it be some crumbled feta atop a salad assuming it’s place at the top of heap? A chunk of roughly chopped sharp cheddar on a wheat thin? Brie on a triscuit? Manchego with some salami? Truly the glorious options are endless. I am concerned about my ability to focus at work today. Coworkers you have been put on notice.
Speaking of planning, Wheatthinpalooza is Saturday night and the celebrity invite list is growing. Ellen was the most obvious miss on my initial list- so here is where it stands as of today:
- Bill Murray
• David Sedaris
• Miranda Lambert
• Jennifer Aniston
• Oprah **she will be invited solely on her being a slam dunk present giver.
• Mike Tolbert (for Erin)
And to recap:
Requirements include: Being funny, thinking I am funny, enjoying a cocktail, cussing and understanding the importance of a good hostess gift. Extra points if they are also a closet smoker!
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? Step Brothers. This is a movie that grows on you. So it is like the 5th time you watch it that you grow to love it.
- What do I love? Not nuts.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? The amount of time, attention and money required for appropriate hair removal and upkeep at a certain age for females. I can’t even rant about it, as just the thought of shaving, waxing, tweezing, plucking, threading, cutting, coloring or straightening makes me cringe.
Day 28: “ I like to party, I like my Jesus to party”. Talladega Nights is a below average movie all up, but this is one of the most awesome scenes ever. Full clip below. If you have never seen it, prepare for all future praying to be forever tainted.
It’s Sunday and I am in the homestretch of the Whole 30- this combination has made me very reflective this morning and since I am cleansing my body, thought also a good time to cleanse my soul. So I dug down deep to find instances in my 46 years where perhaps I did not live up to my potential. Truly sad, embarrassing sins that I have confessed to very few people over the years.
This first instance is when I was 14 (1984) and “interviewing” to attend the prestigious Westminster Schools. For all of you in my class, who enjoyed my camaraderie in high school but often said behind my back “how in the HELL did she get in here?” Well, I lied in the interview…a lot. So here is how it went down back in the day- there were panel interviews with 4 faculty members and 2 prospective students. So I notice upon arrival I am out of my element, now thankfully my Mom had talked me out of the off the shoulder ESPIRIT sweatshirt and frosty pink lipstick- but I could tell these other kids were looking down at me like “she probably doesn’t even read in the summer”. I knew I had to step up my game- my momma didn’t raise no fool.(MMDRNF) So we go into this conference room- kids on one side of table, faculty on the other- and they act like they are randomly coming up with questions, but you know that shit is rigged. So one of the first questions they ask us is “on a rainy day would you rather watch TV or read a book?”. So I promptly lie and say “read a book” (MMDRNF)- and the other two smarties nod their heads. Then they say “what was the last book you read?” and while I am busy mentally scanning the cliff notes on my desk at home- the really bad dorky liar next to me says “Gone with the Wind, in fact I have read it many times and find it thoroughly enjoyable.” BULLSHIT I wanted to say, but MMDRNF. So as the interviewers are trying not to laugh at the dorky liar I say “A Separate Peace”- ya know a period piece, a reputable length for an 8th grader with a little coming of age involved…believable.(MMDRNF) That got a solid round of acknowledgement. Then they asked if we spoke a foreign language. My immediate thought was I had seen The Sound of Music like 10 times and could sing Edelweiss, but folks don’t lie about what you can’t back up…MMDRNF. So here is where dorky liar put the nail in her coffin- she said “French and Hebrew” and the interviewers exchange a look like “she is lying or if she is not none of us know either language so we are screwed” and literally just ignore her. And I am thinking “Bitch, read your audience. The foreign language teachers are not coming in on a Saturday to interview spoiled brats- they don’t get paid enough, so you are impressing no one.” Needless to say, I got in, she did not. MMDRNF.
To effectively demonstrate the flaws in above interview process/evaluation and the gravity of those people’s poor decision, I will tell you what occurred when I was 18 (1988) and a senior in high school. Since my school took it’s designation as “Christian Preparatory” very seriously we took Bible freshman and senior year. So it is second semester senior year and I had just returned from Spring Break in…wait for it…CANCUN- because where better to send 18 yr olds with NO CHAPERONE…seriously cannot believe I talked my parents into that one. Again, validation of my great acting skills. And I can’t remember why, but myself and one other person had to make up a Bible quiz on the first day back from spring break. It was after school- empty halls, empty room except for myself and this one other person. The teacher hands us the quiz, leaves for the day and tells us to leave on her desk. I will cut to the chase, I cheated on a Bible quiz. I had never cheated on anything before – as my guilt reflex is strong, but at the time not as strong as my understanding that college was kind of important. MMDRF. So I suffered in silence..until I got to Boulder and then I just forgot as I was busy learning to ski. But I am pretty sure that most people cannot say that the first and only time they ever cheated on anything was a Bible quiz. So at least I have that going for me.
Jump forward 15 years and my moral compass is still questionable. I had a good friend whose husband had cheated on her with one of her best friends- most of which happened while she was pregnant with her second child and her first child was a toddler! Horrifying behavior- and since I could not kill the whore friend, nor my friend’s ex husband, as I just don’t think I would enjoy prison- I committed myself to hating her ex-husband with a vengeance. And I mean EVERY time his name came up I would think to myself and tell my friend how if I ever see him I will cuss him out, slap him, embarrasses him, etc.- I mean it was going to be a scene. Well, jump forward about a year and I am in grocery store with Molly (she is about 3), to be more specific the produce section and I look up from accessing a broccoli crown (which just a personal thing but the crowns are just better than the full bunches) and right in front of my face is said ex-husband. The following thoughts and words occurred in no more than a total of 2 minutes but felt like 30. At first I do not recognize him, as I hadn’t seen him in 4 years- he is tan, thin and just looks good- so of course I say immediately “Heyyyy, how are you?” I then initiate a hug and proceed to say “Have you lost weight? You look great!”. No joke. It was like I was possessed by the devil. I tell myself I did this because I had a child there and I needed to set a good example, but I think I am just a weak, weak person….and a really good actress. MMDRNF.
In my defense, I did immediately call my friend in the Harris Teeter parking lot and confess my betrayal. Luckily she still loves me.
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? This:
2. What do I love? Being in my house by myself. I don’t know if it is same for single people or married people without kids- but I literally cherish being in my house alone. For my birthday last year, I asked for a weekend at home alone. Ladies, back me up on this.
3. Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? People who act like they don’t like cheese and crackers. In order to be my friend you must acknowledge the gloriousness of this union. NOW, you can certainly choose not to eat this combo all the time due to health issues or skinny jean goals but don’t try to sell me the BS that you don’t like cheese or crackers or any combination of the two. MMDRNF.
Day 27: “ A man you all know as Joe the Policeman from the “What’s Goin Down” episode of That’s my Momma”. Ahh, Randy Watson and Sex-yual Chocolate. It’s good stuff. So 4 more days. For those that don’t know you have to wait until day 31 (which will be Wednesday) to weigh yourself or start to re-introduce grains, sugar, alcohol and dairy. The re-introduction phase of the Whole 30 they call it and it is meant to last 20 days. They advise working 1 of the 4 instruments of the devil back into your diet every 4-5 days to see how it makes you feel. Well, since I have always been a champion of efficiency, I am going to knock that month long phase out in 4 days.
Here is my plan for Day 31:
- Wake up and immediately experience one of the Day 26 scale scenarios
- Either be pissed off or really pumped- either way will likely buy myself something online for immediate gratification and pat on back for surviving month of heinous atrocities
- Put Half-n Half in my coffee. Enjoy the shit out that coffee.
- Have a serving of wheat thins. Praise the lord.
- Write a Facebook post telling you fine people about the above adventures.
- 8 hours of Conference Calls. Not optimal but a requirement of my job, which is necessary to support my healthy fantasy life of being rich and famous.
They also tell you in the Whole 30 to make a plan for how you will handle post Whole 30 life. So I am “planning” to only partake of the following items on special occasions:
- Fried Foods
Definition of Special Occasions:
- Days the kids annoy me
- My birthday month
- Arbor Day
- Days I have a lot of meetings
Although I am really just having a few friends over for dinner I like to think about which celebrities would really enjoy an invite Wheatthinpalooza. Requirements include: Being funny, thinking I am funny, enjoying a cocktail, cussing and understanding the importance of a good hostess gift. So far here are the folks that come to mind:
- Bill Murray
- David Sedaris
- Miranda Lambert
- Jennifer Aniston
- Oprah **she will be invited solely on her being a slam dunk present giver.
I will ask that you my friends send me suggestions on who else should receive this prestigious invite.
My 3 things for today:
- Things that make me pee my pants laughing? This scene from The Hangover. NOT UP IN HERE!!
2. Things I love? Kids that don’t whine.
3. Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous? Kids that whine. The Dictator is on an all time personal record setting rampage in the whining category. Does he not know that he is playing with fire (aka Momma with no wheat thins)???
Day 26: “There is a very fat pair of pants hanging on the flagpole this morning”. Oh it is a good one, Meatballs, starring Sir Bill Murray. Speaking of fat pants, there just aren’t as many of them in the days of “stretch”- even that 5% of elastane can help you squeeze into those pants. Kids, back in the day of 100% cotton Levis, the struggle was real- you either fit in them or not and the “not” was so uncomfortable and unattractive, no long tunic was gonna solve that problem.
This weekend, inbetween zoodling and ketchup making I plan to clean out my closet. I am doing this 1. Because I have nothing else to do and 2. I need to prep for my big reveal next week…although we all know who is getting my final rose;-)!! Oh, the mighty wheat thin cometh.
I get so excited when I think about getting on the scale. I fantasize about what will happen when I get on it, not necessarily the number that will appear but like if it was a movie and there was a soundtrack with it. I envision it going one of two ways. First, as soon as step on there is an immediate Ethel Merman like voice that kicks in with “Start spreading the news….” Or that as I look down and get all teary eyed at the low number, simultaneously there is a montage of pictures of me over the past month staring longingly at a box of wheat thins, eating nuts in various states of distress, zoodling with a great manicure and sweating in yoga with full makeup in a very difficult pose with Barry Manilow singing “Looks like we made it” in the background. Just wait… people who just started the Whole 30, you too will enjoy quite a good fantasy life, it is God’s way of helping you through the nut-laden hell.
The sidekick of the sadistic nut in the Whole 30 is the EGG. Seriously, if you don’t like eggs I don’t think you could do the Whole 30. It is like the Bubba Gump Shrimp of your daily existence- you will poach, scramble, fry, boil (hard and soft), omelette, frittata- and you will put an egg on ANYTHING. At first you and the egg are on a honeymoon because bacon is really encouraged on the Whole 30-and you literally skip to the kitchen on those first few mornings like “that’s right, bout to make some eggs, get some bacon up in there top that shit with avocado!!”. But, mark my words, by day 20 you will look at the egg carton with great hatred. It is kind of like when Will Ferrell in Elf looks at the fake Santa says “ You sit on a throne of lies!!!”.
Another piece of sage advice you will not find in the Whole 30 book, save up/deny yourself as many months of Netflix, Itunes, onDemand anything, Amazon, etc. movie and show binge watching as possible. When you are not having dessert or drinking you need to get away from the kitchen ASAP in the evenings and weekends- now, yes you can workout and other constructive/healthy activities but I found secluding ones self to the bedroom was most effective during these trying times. But by day 8 I had literally binged watched everything I found remotely interesting. Now everyone’s tastes are different, but I think we can all agree that if you are watching the red headed cousin to Twilight series about vampire murders and criticizing the lack of character development it is time to have a cracker.
My 3 things for today:
1..Things that make me pee my pants laughing? This letter. The Stink Shield. It is an oldie but a goodie.
The YouTube ID of http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/seat-29e-really-stinks/ is invalid.
2. Things I love? Puzzles- like the kind you put together on a table. This love does not extend to crossword or sodoku.
3. Pet Peeves/shit I find redonkulous? People who lack empathy. I could go off here, but I will keep it brief. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to me is one of the most essential life skills and if you are raising a human being this better be at the top of your list.
Day 25: “The Donger Need Food!!” and it ain’t pretty. The only thing keeping me going is the vision of myself as his sexy American girlfriend. What I would do for some wheat thins and some hummus (I would do anything except things that involve hurting animals or children, sex with anyone but Dougie, boogers or eating bugs)….and I don’t want a lot, just a true single serving, not that I have any idea what that is, as my normal definition of a single serving is when I am full … but I hear they tell you somewhere on the glorious yellow box.
Yesterday I got that Facebook reminder that Doug and I have been friends for 6 years with a sweet video of all our pictures together. Now, I feel certain that there are not a lot of people that when that little video of pictures pops up documenting your friendship with someone your newborn baby pops up half way through- or maybe it is more common than I think I need more exciting friends. A lot of people mentioned to me yesterday that they did not realize that Doug and I met on a blind date, or that they assumed that Des and Doug were really good friends when he set Doug up with me, but that is not the case. Here is how it went down.
I was lucky enough to be surrounded with some pretty amazing friends while going through my divorce in 2010. As they say, it takes a village, or in my case a bunch of supportive angry bitches who like to drink wine and talk shit about your ex. So one of my closest lieutenants at this time, Isabel, is married to Des, who I think of as my long lost brother. You can imagine his delight when every family dinner, weekend to the lake, weekend to the beach, etc. included not one wife, but two. He was a trooper, but I am pretty sure he saw his future and thought “I have got to get her off the payroll” and he was on a mission.
So I take you now to Labor Day weekend 2010, Isabel and I plus kids had headed to the beach on Thursday and Des, smartly, had a “meeting” so couldn’t come until Friday. So on Thursday he randomly runs into Doug at the golf course and they are shooting the shit and Des finds out that Doug is 1. Single and 2. Going to the same beach we are for the weekend. I envision in Des’s mind it was like the Price is Right “COME ON DOWN”!!!
So, Des casually asks Doug to join them in golf and begins talking up Isabel’s “hot friend” or as he told me later “I told him you were gorgeous and a lot of fun” and then finally admitted that what he really said is “she has big boobs”. Anyway, Doug commits to a date on like hole 5 and Des (expertly I might add) figured out that Doug was a man of his word and waited until the 19th hole and a few beers in before saying to Doug “She’s 41, divorced and has a 4 yr old, but you are gonna have a great time!”. You have never seen anyone happier than Des when he got down to the beach. The date was set up for Sunday night and god bless him, Doug showed up…and that was all she wrote. BOOM.
So Doug and I spent the next 14 months eating and drinking ourselves into a love fog and then 2 months after we got married I got pregnant and eating continued. So when I checked into the hospital to give birth to the Dictator (aka the OG) I am pretty sure I was pushing two-hundy. I had a scheduled csection, which was lovely by the way- like checking into a hotel except with really good legal drugs. Since I am no dummy (and it was still allowed 3 yrs ago) I sent Henry to the nursery and requested more Percocet and an ambien stat…because I was gonna get me some sleep dammit. Well, I forgot that they wake you up every 2 hours and don’t just check your vitals and take you to the bathroom, they now ask you questions and scan your wristband to make sure you are you.
SOOOO, it is about 4 am and a nurse comes in- no joke she was maybe 20, like 4 feet tall and could not have weighed a 100 lbs- she is really sweet asks me my name and birthdate. So I tell her “Margaret Brooke Lowry, 12-2-69” and there is a pause, dead silence and then like she had no idea she said it outloud she says “oh my God you are the oldest person on the WHOLE maternity ward”….she catches herself and is like “I am so sorry”. Then she gets a gander of my girth and her eyes get all big and finally I save her and say “why don’t you go get some help”- I mean anyone that has had a baby can back me up here, you have NO SHAME and do not care- you have birthed a human being and just want some drugs and peace and quiet. She takes her leave, and about 5 minutes later shows back up with whom I will assume was the janitor or elevator repairman- getting me out of bed took some work, but I was high as a kite and kept singing the teamwork song from Wonder Pets and cracking myself up. Pretty sure there was a “note” on my chart.
So my 3 things for the day:
- What makes me pee my pants? Anything Jack Black. He is like Eddie Murphy to me, just the look on his face can send me into hysterics. I just love the fact that he also has an amazing voice. Here is one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies:
Just play it while it have your coffee, really sets a good tone for your day.
- Things I love? See above.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? People who do not like #1
Day 24: “Why is there tape on your nose?”… “EXACTLY!”. Bottle Rocket, Wes Anderson’s directorial debut with Owen and Luke Wilson, is such a treat. So if you have seen a crappy Owen or Luke Wilson film lately, and there are a lot to choose from, watch Bottle Rocket and all will be redeemed. It’s Wednesday!! Hump day. Just think 24 hrs from now tomorrow will be Friday. See it is all about perspective peeps.
I am in a much better mood this morning. I took a day off nuts yesterday, got some good things accomplished at work and then slept for 9 hours. The sleep on Whole 30 is beyond awesome. Also had a great work day yesterday- I love my job. I am so lucky to get to work at one of the most amazing companies in the world, with super smart people and do something that really makes a difference. Now, there are still days I spend 12 hours on conference calls or 4 hrs fighting with the formatting of a powerpoint but in general it is good stuff. One thing that is required for me to do my work is COFFEE. Not that most people don’t drink coffee, but when your company was founded and based in Seattle it is a requirement.
As all you fine people well know, a working coffeemaker is key to making coffee. Yesterday my coffee maker and I had words. I own a Keurig, which shouldn’t be a shock to anyone due to my expectations that my needs be immediately met. Over the past 5 years I have loved all 3 of mine. Now, many people ask “What was wrong with yours?”, “Why did you get a new one?”, “mine lasted 8 years”.
I will tell you what is wrong. At 5 am (aka an ungodly hour), after I have been rudely awakened by the Dictator demanding eggs and toast I flick on my coffeemaker to make coffee. BUT nooooo, my coffeemaker wants to talk first and remind me to change the filter or clean out some thingy-ma-jig….I don’t really know exactly what the 8 point font on the 1 inch screen said, as I couldn’t find my readers in my uncaffeinated state and also can’t move with a toddler hanging on my leg. So as with past coffeemakers I had the talk. I said “look, here are the things I don’t have time for: filter changing or cleaning out anything- if it wasn’t vital, I wouldn’t even being filling you up with water. So make my fucking coffee pronto or buh-bye. It takes one click on Amazon to replace you my friend, do NOT temp me.”. Then I shook it up and down and hit the side of it. It works now.
Yesterday in our car sing along to our Whole 30 playlist (FYI Come Baby Come is still the #1 most frequently played song) I told Molly that we should come up with singing nicknames. Now Molly’s creativity is along the lines of Brick Tamland in Anchorman (“I love lamp”)…..so I thought it best if I came up with everyone’s names, so here they are:
Doug: Dougie Fresh
Me: Miss Mix-a-lot
Molly: Molly J. Blige
Henry: The Original Gangsta (OG)
Look for us in a traffic jam near you. I am really going to lobby for the creation of a playlist to be added to the Whole 30 rules. I mean if you can’t have alcohol or dairy you should at least be able to shake your tailfeather to Flo Rida whenever the mood hits you.
Here are my 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? Wanda Sykes. She is just damn funny and I so love her use of humor to call out/bring to light issues that divide us. I love her ability to highlight that there is more that makes us the same vs. different.
Now, her calls on Crankyankers are amaze-balls, but you have to be 100% ok with literal bathroom humor. Listen at your own risk.
- Things I love? A good tote bag. Every female loves a good purse, so I want to clarify that this is different- yes I own too many purses that I spent too much money on, but my tote bag obsessions is just as bad. To justify to myself many times I call them “computer bags”…you know, I NEED it for work.
- Pet Peeves/Things I find redonkulous? That there is a size 0 or better yet a size 00. THAT IS NOT A SIZE! Is the reason because that people who are a size 2 have been denied crackers for most of their lives and at some point a marketing genius said, if they can’t ever have an appetizer let’s give them the joy of the zero? And it just went downhill from there? It just doesn’t make sense.
Day 23: “You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”. Lock it up people. This is a warning- don’t bring me any stupid today, as Momma is still cranky. Although my awesome may have been switched on, I think my lifetime of immediate satisfaction, especially when it comes to food desires is coming back at me. I have run through all my “suggested for you” purchases on Amazon, I have jcrewed, netaportered, shopbopped and nordstromed- no credit card is safe during this time of no crackers and no scale.
Everyone I run into is very nice to compliment my general presentation of self, which is greatly appreciated btw. Have I lost weight? Yes, definitely. My guess is 10 pounds. All my clothes fit…except those “skinny” jeans, and I don’t mean skinny in terms of the actual style, but my personal skinny jeans that are not a currently acceptable waist height. Girls you know what I mean. These I can button, but it isn’t pretty.
I don’t know if this is true of everyone but I lose weight from the top down- so I can tell my face is thinner, my boobs seem a litter smaller (which sadly translates to droopier), stomach flatter, hips a tad narrower. However, the ol’ thighs are holding on to their saddle bags like we are about to take off to discover the west.
Another oddity I noticed yesterday at yoga. I was thinking I looked a little fitter in the mirror and then I did a shoulder stand and yep, still fat upside down. Anyone else ever noticed this phenomena? That stomach roll that wasn’t there when I was standing up, came back with a vengeance when upside down. Then I went into plow and as I tried to remove my boobs from my eyelids I thought to myself “of course it was totally a man that invented the practice of yoga, as no woman would ever design anything that required such consistent face-to-crotch contact.” Think about it.
I have a really busy work week and quite a list of planning to do for Wheatthinpalooza. I don’t want to overhype, as this is just a few friends over for dinner, but there will be a lot of crackers. I started thinking about all the wonderful things I would cook and then I thought “silly girl, there will be appetizers and wine…you will be too busy to cook” so now thinking caterer or postmates.
Here are my 3 things:
- Things that make me pee my pants laughing? Documentary Now on IFC. I am late to this party, but it is beyond genius. Here is my favorite clip from their remake of Grey Gardens, called Sandy Passage.
- Things I love? All things paper. I am very particular about the weight, color/design and feel of my paper. Don’t even think about giving me any whimpy card stockI This is a result of my formative professional years being spent in the graphic design world at the awesome Copeland Hirthler. I can drop some serious cash on stationary, notebooks, writing pads, cards and notebooks.
- Pet Peeve/things I find redonkulous? People that do not write thank you notes on paper. And I have been asked before if this is a “southern thing” and NO, it is just manners. And definitely if you spent a bunch of money on engraved stationary…use that shit!!
Day 22: “I’m not crazy, I have just been in a very bad mood for 40 yrs”. So yes, my friends, I am in a bad mood. I am F’n hun-ga-ree and I want a handful of Wheat Thins in a bad, bad way. Let me tell you how much fun a long holiday weekend is in the summer with no carbs, sugar, dairy or alcohol….about as much fun as potty training- not really that I would know as I have an almost 4 yr old in pull ups, I am just assuming for the 5 minutes I have tried that really trying would suck. Potty training the Dictator is going down as one of my life’s biggest fails to date.
The other things I suck at and have just given up on at this point in life are:
- Driving stick shift
• Not cussing
• Eye Shadow application
As I have said before I LOVE a good list. So here are a few more.
Food I miss the most on the Whole 30 in the order of which I will eat them come Day 31 and beyond:
• Chicken Pot Pie
• 5 Guys Double Cheeseburger
Celebrity Crushes listed in order of length of crush:
- Joshua Jackson
• John Cusack
• Vince Vaughn
• Bradley Cooper
• Ryan Gosling
Favorite Non-comedy movies in no particular order:
- The Sound of Music
• A River Runs Through It
• Shawshank Redemption
• All the President’s Men
Ok, too many books and TV shows to list, so instead I will share my latest parenting fail. Yesterday at church, after the 15th yawn and threat of screen removal if she does not sit up straight, Molly leans over to me and says, this is verbatim and Doug was my witness, “When is that bread thing happening?”. Now, in her defense, in the book of common prayer in the Communion section it does highlight “Breaking of the Bread”, but still. I will not lie, as you are allowed communion on the Whole 30, that wafer and port wine was truly a religious experience- for a moment I thought about grabbing the challis and going full Frank the Tank right there at the altar, but then I thought of the white skinny jeans, crossed myself and just moved on down the road.
I am putting it out there to my friends that will read this, just in case Doug forgets, one of my life goals is that when I die my “story” will be narrated by Keith Morrison. Now, I don’t want a painful or untimely death, I am thinking something more like dying in my sleep at 93 in the Nursing Home and at first all seems normal, but then that one friend who knew I had a few more years left in me (just think, if you are reading this…it could be you!) demands an autopsy and it is discovered I was poisoned. Ultimately Keith comes in to investigate which of my 12 lovers has poisoned me and they initially highlight Doug, who sadly preceded me in death because he only did the Whole 29, and then they slowly start to roll out the extended dysfunctional family and friends (again, this could be you!) and there are a few really good suspects, but it never solved, so Dateline continues to update you every year and I get a couple of People magazines covers out of it. I envision the story will be called “Sleeping Beauty”.
So my 3 things for today:
- Things that make me pee my pants? David Sedaris. He is the only author I read and consistently double over laughing. I can’t read on a plane it is so bad. One of my favorite quotes, “Like all my friend’s, she is a lousy judge of character.” If you have never read any of his stuff, start with “Me Talk Pretty One Day”. You will never look at Roosters the same.
- Things I love? The final scene of “A River Runs Through It”. It is a combination of the scenery, the words, the music and Robert Redford’s voice. Just perfect. To me, this is like going to church. “I am haunted by waters”. It’s good stuff.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? Not being able to eat crackers.
Day 21: “Do you think he wants some cheese?” This is one of my top ten favorite quotes from Arthur. A Dudley Moore masterpiece in my opinion. Back to cheese, yes I would like some, and a wheat thin with some wine and a hand behind the neck kiss from Bradley Cooper…but you know what I will get today??? None of that!…. but I will get nuts and LaCroix. Nuts, nuts, nuts. I AM SO SICK OF NUTS!
Now, if I had a dollar for every nut I ate, I would be loaded. So with all the extra time I have while I am not opening wine bottles and recycling my wheat thin boxes I like to dream about if I was loaded what I would do. Honestly though none of it seems any fun without alcohol, cheese and crackers. Whoever had an awesome vacation and talked about the nuts? Like nuts are the losers of the appetizer category- if you really like someone you are making a 7 layer dip or spending like $200 on cheese at Reids but if the “we HAVE to have them over for a drink” people show up- they get a bowl of nuts. If you show up at someone’s house for cocktails/dinner and there is a bowl of nuts you know your place- if you don’t even get a fancy nut mix you are really a loser.
I don’t want to be a loser and hence am going anti-nut post Whole 30. I envision myself as like a cheese eating superwoman. I think Doug is worried.
Not that I sold Doug a false bill of goods, but there may have been some mis-representation of some of my interests before we got engaged. I just do not enjoy watching sports on TV. I do like going to sporting events on occasion, but if it isn’t a UGA football game with really good food, fun people and loads of drinks (which, this is always the case GO DAWGS!)- I just don’t like it and then you add the TV aspect and sports that I find really boring like professional anything and basketball of all types..ugghhhh.
But for a solid year I watched everything from Panther’s games to golf to college basketball because I was in love with Dougie. For 250 nights I watched some sort of sport EVERY night and the only way I would get through this was a full sideline report in my brain analyzing uniform colors, who has nice buttocks, who needs a haircut, if this were a lifetime movie which player would be Morgan Fairchild’s long lost son she gave up for adoption, etc.- so sometimes I would zone out- but could always come back and answer a question if needed. I am telling you people, this was academy award winning shit I was putting out there. UNTIL, one night, I had just gone off the reservation for like 30 minutes and felt like I needed to say something so I look up at the TV, soak in the visual and say to Doug, “Who in the world would seriously name their child Marquette Syracuse?? That is just ridiculous” (to clarify I thought the score feed at the bottom of ESPN was the name of the players on the court) Doug looked at me and just fell out of his chair laughing. He proposed a few weeks later and we have never watched sports together again.
Speaking of getting married. I like to think of various scenarios I would love to be part of/witness to in my lifetime- one of these “visions” is of someone/a bride going down the aisle, not to the wedding march, but to Carly Simon’s “Nobody does it better” singing into her bouquet while sashaying toward her groom and acknowledging guests along the way. This image just brings me great giggles. Now, I have already done this bride thing twice and I finally got it right, but am pretty sure if I had brought up this option to Doug 4 years ago, my life would have taken a very different turn.
It is Sunday, so of course, I am going to church. Not just going, skipping to church…while I am praying I will say to God “Yo, JC, back left middle you got a “body is a temple thing going on” and my halo will say “no dairy, no grains, no alcohol, no sugar”. When you cross gluttony off the list, the list of sins really diminishes. I love my neighbors, haven’t killed anyone lately, etc.- so I am expecting to get a fast pass on the confessing sin part of the service.
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? Steve Martin. And I mean there are so many good movies and clips. If you haven’t seen The Jerk, you really haven’t lived. Navin Johnson will change your life. “I am picking out a thermos for you..” It is a gift. But below is one that they play every year on the SNL Christmas special and it kills me. I am thinking of making my own version that includes cheese and wheatthins.
- Things I love? The Georgia Bulldogs and Larry Munson. They are truly the fabric and soundtrack of my childhood. For anyone that doesn’t know my Dad (aka Snake) was one of the biggest UGA fans that ever lived. He did not miss a home game for 50 years. He also did not talk to me for a year when I went to UC Boulder vs. Georgia. My freshman year he did not pay my second semester tuition because he had to re-carpet the Chi Phi house. I will neither confirm or deny whether is ashes are ‘tween the hedges.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous? Liars/lying. Just don’t do it. A few caveats as to when it is ok to lie:
- When your child returns from month at camp and asks where that heinous shirt is that they love and you hate. Or the random tchotchkes that are all over their rooms that just disappear over that month. Or in my house 2 hrs after camp drop off.
- On Dr.’s forms in reference to exercise and alcohol consumption.
- When they ask you at grocery store checkout if you found everything you need..and you didn’t…lie and say you did. It’s a grocery store, these people make minimum wage and they truly do not give a shit if you found your honey nut cheerios or not.
Day 20: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it Bob”. 10 more days my friends and I can tell you exactly what I am missing- and this is in order. Crackers, cheese and a vodka drink…bad. I have found an acceptable excuse for ½ n ½ and that is coconut cream. I have told myself that if I have lost 10 lbs I can suffer this injustice permanently. They say in the Whole 30 book that day 16-27 are the “Tiger Blood” period and they say this is when you wake up feeling like “someone switched on your awesome”, which again they describe all the medical reasons behind this for many pages, which I am just not that interested in- but thanks to them I do keep seeing Charlie Sheen in my head saying “WINNING”. But as soon as I think of Charlie Sheen, I feel dirty- like need to take a bath gross so that kind of kills the moment. Instead of Tiger Blood I have hereby re-named this period “awesome sauce”. I keep thinking that if you added brie, some wheat thins, wine and an American spirit this really could be an epic time.
It’s Labor Day weekend and the Lowry’s are really about to turn it up over here. It’s shaping up to be a nice little Saturday: A little Target, Whole Foods, Harris Teeter maybe a little Trader Joes and a trip to the pool…I don’t know, don’t know if we will have time. The most exciting thing that will happen today is the Whole 30 singalong in the car- I know you have been wondering and Come Baby Come by K7 has risen up the ranks to our #1 most frequently requested and played song. You really haven’t lived until you take a gander in the rearview and see your 3 yrd old bouncing in a car seat singing “bounce – c’mon- bounce” and then brings a completely insync “swing batta batta batta batta batta swing”. Molly said she totally knew what the song was about, “duhhh Mom playing baseball inside and pumping things”. God bless her, she also thought “Blow my Whistle” by Flo Rida was about “kissing”.
Anyone that has spent any time in the car with me or at a party where alcohol is served can validate my love for a good sing along. I do believe all high school friends, Doug, Erin Brady and Cari Erickson have suffered this cruel punishment the most. I just love music and love to sing- it makes me happy and I get REALLY annoyed if errbody doesn’t want to sing (and dance) along with me. You will rue the day. I like to call this alter ego “Trixie” and back in the day Trixie loved herself a tambourine and a good jump on stage with any wedding band. In my mind I am a combination of Etta James, The Indigo Girls and Susan Tedeschi- the reality just aint pretty. I also thought I would be sitting on my dining room table having cake with Jake Ryan for my 16th birthday. A healthy fantasy life has never been a problem for me.
My 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants? Amy Schumer. I don’t love all her sex stuff, not because I am a prude, I just find it unnecessary to hear about people’s hoo-hoos. Below is possibly one of the funniest and most real experiences in life. I actually spoke to my Mom yesterday in the car while she tried to log into Facebook for 20 minutes. I thought I would kill myself.
- Things I love? Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond. I don’t feel like this needs a lot of explanation other than I lived with a Woman going through a divorce in the mid-70’s and became quite familiar with these artist’s full catalogs.
- Pet Peeves/Shit I find redonkulous: Incorrect towel folding technique. Ok, so here is the thing, if you want a towel (or anything for that matter) to dry you must expose it to maximum surface area. SOOO folding a wet/damp towel 2-4 times and THEN folding over a towel rack may look aesthetically pleasing but does not dry the towel and will result in “mildewey” smell. The only time multiple towel folds are appropriate are when the towels are dry/clean.
Day 19: “I’ve been thinking about this, Mr. Hand. If I’m here and you’re here, doesn’t that make it our time? Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with a little feast on our time.” Speaking of a feast, for comparison purposes, as many people have asked me what can you eat/what do you eat on the Whole 30 so I thought I would share my definition of a feast over the past 4 years vs. a feast on the Whole 30:
Before Whole 30:
- Cheese and Crackers/Chips and cheese dip (aka pre-party)
•1 Cocktail (I like to just say 1, but read this kind of like that form at the Dr.’s office where you lie your ass off about your total alcohol consumption- especially during your children’s toddler years)
•Protein of any kind- I have never discriminated.
•Carbs, Carbs, Carbs on the side: rice, couscous, pasta,etc.
•Green Vegetable- here I have also never discriminated- seriously have always loved kale and broccoli. I also have been known to dice it up on top of a Dominos pizza to make it healthy. Hellloooo denial.
•2 glasses of wine (again like doctor’s office)
•Rarely dessert- now this is something really odd about me, not the only one, and not as odd as the fact that I hate ballpoint pens and that I must have a ultra fine point sharpie to write with at all times, but still odd- I am just not into sweets and desserts. Now, occasionally I may want a bite of something, but this has just never been a thing for me.
During Whole 30 feast:
- 3 pieces of celery and homemade ranch dressing.
•LaCroix Pamplemousse (some people say LaCroix grapefruit but I find pamplemousse makes me sound much more sophisticated and it is just fun to say. Try it in a sentence. “Your weiner looks like a huge pamplemouse”….see isn’t that fun? Elisabeth Ayres, do you recall us enjoying this word extensively in our biking trip in Europe??
•Protein of any kind
•Potatoes or zoodles with some sort of homemade sauce
•Banana with almond butter.
I am already fantasizing about my graduation feast (aka Weatthinpalooza) and will share more next week.
So a few people have commented that the Dictator tales have really fallen off my social media feeds now that the Whole 30 is in full swing. Do not fear, this has not happened because he has suddenly became an angel or that there is no material there. I have been processing. I have not been able to see my therapist lately due to all my free time being dedicated to mincing garlic, so please forgive me if this comes out wrong. I am sad to share that, people WE HAVE A BITER! Yes, the second week of school some poor new girl in his class thought (incorrectly I might add) that Henry may want to share the truck he was playing with- well, she was wrong and he opened a can of whoop ass on her in form of biting the shit out of her hand. You can imagine how well the conversation with him about “using his feeling words” went. One of my friends said it was likely a result of him just being hungry after being subjected to the Whole 30 fare vs. a permanent personality trait.
I have always joked that he will be the death of me, well it has begun, I went to ortho yesterday to address some pain in my shoulder. I fully assumed this was my first official “sports injury”, ya know since I do yoga 5 days a week (again, read like Dr.’s office form). So this Dr. had a group of residents come in and was doing all these strength tests and since I had on my yoga clothes, I was fancying myself on a Fitness magazine photoshoot during entire appointment and when they asked me if I has small children I said yes, a 3 yr old and he looked back at my chart and I was waiting for a “no way you are 46, you are in phenomenal shape” but I heard “ohhhhh, I believe you are suffering from bursitis in your rotator cuff due to the “reach around””. I was like “scuse me? And he said, “ ya know when you are driving and reach back to hand something to kids in the backseat” and I was like “motherfucker”…no I didn’t really say MF, there were young impressionable medical minds in the room. The term reacharound I just can’t even address.
The Dictator has also been home sick this week and has really tested my patience, but also increased my belief a mother of the year award is in my near future. Why you ask? Guess what he likes to eat while sick? A GRILLED CHEESE. So when I took that white bread and lovingly buttered it (on both sides) and added not one, but two thick slices of Cracker Barrel extra sharp cheddar and cooked on low to nicely brown outside without burning and to ensure perfect cheese melting- then cut and separated the sandwich with the cheese stretching and wrapping around my fingers- which I pulled off and threw away vs. eating (it was a travesty) …I just looked at him, one long lingering look and I thought “remember this. I made you a grilled cheese while on the Whole 30”.
So here are my three things:
1.What makes me pee my pants? Anjelah Johnson. Bon Qui Qui is my favorite, but she is awesome all around. “oh, now you want some cheese?”
2.Things I love? List making. If it is on a list, that shit will get done!
3.Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous: Packing kids lunches. I despise this and luckily haven’t had to do it for 6 years, but I will never go back.
Day 18: “I call this look, dead but delicious”. This is a quote from “What we do in the Shadows” a movie by the hysterical Jemaine Clement. He and Bret McKenzie also created Flight of the Conchords, which will make you pee your pants laughing. Video below.
Speaking of looks, I have been fantasizing about my post-30 look. ‘Cause lets be honest even with all of these positive effects of feeling like waking up on meth (now they don’t say it in exactly that way, this is just my synopsis of a 20 page section in the book about biological/physiological and psychological changes in the body.) and breaking bad habits- I will be PISSED if after this month I get on the scale and have only lost 3 pounds. For anyone that doesn’t know, part of the Whole 30 rules are that you cannot weigh yourself for the full 30 days. I never weigh myself in general- because why put a little reality into the land of denial?? So I really thought I would have no problem with this, but when you feel denied of all earthly pleasures, that scale calls to you to validate your sacrifices. But I am rule follower, so I eschew the scale and solider on!
Back to my look, so as I mentioned before, I am very aware that my expectations of results from the Whole 30 may be unrealistic, but I am going with it. I am thinking white skinny jeans, some fabulous top accentuating the décolletage and killer shoes (not that shoes have anything to do with weight loss, it would just be silly to not want killer shoes)- I am even considering creating my own version of Blue Steel which I am going to call “ Carbalicious”. Now don’t get too excited, as I am no fashion icon in general but am thinking this look/outfit will fall somewhere between Jennifer Gardner on a normal day at the Santa Monica farmers market and the sorry excuse for an adult who wears spongebob squarepants pajama pants to the airport.
I went to the movies last night for the first time while on the Whole 30. It was brutal. I thought the popcorn would be the problem, but reality is that movie popcorn smells, looks and sounds waaayyyy better than it tastes so the temptation wasn’t that bad. I brought my own roasted/salted plantain chips (they are blahhhhh, but when all you have is blahhhhh to choose from- you eat it). The problem was, I know 200% that there is nothing better than a perfectly balanced (soda and syrup) fountain Coca-Cola…there just isn’t. To pour salt in the wound there is the whole promo before the previews where they play the slow-mo of the fountain coke lovingly being poured over the ice. Like I said, it was brutal.
And let me talk about ice, as thank God ice is allowed on the Whole 30, as I take ice quality and especially type/shape VERY seriously. When we renovated our current house, I nixed several bathroom improvements (and this is a 1960’s house where the bathrooms have not been touched in 50+ yrs) for my rabbit pellet ice maker. Doug said it was “embarrassingly” expensive, but I was 8 months pregnant with the Dictator- so I won that one. There is just nothing better than rabbit pellet or shaved ice- screw the cube I say!! So once a month when I breakdown and am taking a bath in the only bathtub in the house (which is the kids jack n jill bathroom) with a member of the Paw Patrol and a lego stuck to my butt …I think of that ice maker and smile.
My three things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants: Flight of the Conchords. “It’s Business Time”. Seriously put on depends before you play this. “You go take out the recycling- that’s not part of it- but it’s important”
- Things I love? Coffee Cups. Like pajamas, print/design is very important – I don’t like any funky shapes don’t get creative- cups are round. But really size is the deal breaker- what is the point of small coffee cups? I think tea cups being small just tells you that hot tea is not as good as hot coffee.
- Pet Peeve/Shit I find redonkulous: Having to weigh when you go to the Dr.- especially at the OBGYN, I mean, COME ON! like you need a reason to hate it even more!. Last year I went to the dermo and they wanted to weigh me- after I laughed, I was like,, I have adult acne…I thought this was a safe place, “aren’t we in the trust tree?” And I just said no. Own your health people!
Day 17: “Harlan Pepper, if you don’t stop naming nuts”. Christopher Guest is a genius. If you have only seen Spinal Tap, trust me and add Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show to your repertoire- I promise you, your world will be better for it. And if you have never seen Spinal Tap…how are we friends??
Exactly 2 weeks left on my journey and there are not enough cuss words to express my exhaustion of eating nuts. Ok, that was almost as much fun as saying WIENER, almost. You can mix up the nuts as much as you want- salt them, roast them, sauté them in ghee…still ain’t no cracker. I get that it is good fat, satisfying fat and all that…just saying I am sick of nuts.
On a completely serious note, I feel I cannot go on talking about my cravings for food and alcohol without calling out my feelings on the devastating brain disease of addiction (to alcohol, drugs, food, sex or gambling) or very serious eating disorders which are worlds away from the healthy brain wanting a cracker or a glass of wine and wanting to fit into skinny jeans. I think it is unfortunate that we as a society do not recognize the disease of addiction, especially alcoholism, like we do other serious diseases such as cancer, alzhiemers and heart disease. I have seen addiction destroy people and those around them and there is nothing funny about it.
Back to unimportant things- I have a few friends who when they ask me how the Whole 30 thing is going and I say “look I haven’t had a carb in 17 days and I don’t have the energy to tell you- just check Facebook” and they say “I am not on Facebook….I mean what am I missing?” My immediate reaction is “me” and then this morning as I was looking at Facebook it came to me…here is what you are missing:
- Daily/Hourly reminders that your skin is crap and there are multiple people out there obviously making a shit ton of money solving this problem and if you trust them they will get a Lexus.
- Knowing that your life is not complete until you personally core out an avocado, put an egg in it and bake it.
- According to several Buzz feed quizzes all of your f’d up personality quirks can be validated and you have at least 3 other friends who care about what 80’s movies they are.
- The validation that most people love their kids more than you do and that your little people are less cute, less smart, less athletically inclined than your friend’s.
I made a major mistake yesterday I wish to share. As I work from home a lot, many times a week I will go to Starbucks or Panera to work for a change of scenery, some ambient noise and of course coffee and food. So herein lies my downfall, I neglected to remember that Panera is short for Panera BREAD..I lasted 15 minutes.
My three things for the day:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing? Christopher Guest- he is a genius. “You are all bastard people!”
- Things I love? The word redonkulous. Thank you Clare and Rob for introducing me to this word years ago. It expresses so much at one time.
- Pet Peeve? (or maybe I should rename “shit I find redonkulous?”??) The fact that woman on ALL local and national news cast regardless of locale, time of broadcast, political leanings, etc. all dress like they are about to go to a cocktail party. I just don’t get it. You can look nice and professional without wearing a cocktail dress.
Day 16: “That’s right, we bad. We don’t take no shit”. I cannot hear about Willy Wonka or Young Frankenstein for one more second, has no one seen Stir Crazy??? Video below.
But really what is keeping me from breaking down halfway through Whole 30 and having a loaf of bread smothered in five cheeses (which by the way why is the 4-cheese pizza/sandwich, etc. the acceptable number for cheese- why not 5 I ask you)?
I have entertained myself endlessly for the past 24 hours just saying WIENER (WEINER)….I mean what word could be more fun to say than weiner? For example, instead of “I enjoy a good hotdog” don’t you find “I love a good weiner” a lot more enjoyable to recite? Few words bring me as much pleasure- except maybe jackass. I mean some people are assholes, some people are bitches and some other words even I cannot put in type- but you just can’t beat a good ol’ jackass. This is a perfect term for Ryan Lochte.
Anyhoo, I digress- back to Whole 30. So I heard the funniest story yesterday- so there is this woman (rumor has it she is much older and not as funny as me) who is also doing the Whole 30 and on day 15 after being deprived for OVER 2 weeks of her beloved carbs, dairy and alcohol she could take no more and needed to embrace a vice of some sort, so she thought “hmmm how about a cigarette” (or maybe she said “I want a cigarette?” I don’t know since I wasn’t there) but shockingly there are no Whole 30 approved smokes out there, so she deduced IF there were a Whole 30 approved cigarette it would most likely be an American Spirit, as they are natural don’t ya know.:-) So aforementioned woman snuck out to the back porch after everyone was asleep and smoked a cigarette with great pomp and circumstance. I heard she found it quite enjoyable. I have no idea who this woman is, but I bet I would like her. As Lewis Grizzard, one of the greatest southern writers in my estimation, always said- nothing good ever happens on the back porch.
Dude, I need a carb bad- and have really determined it all boils down to a cracker. I am going to commit myself to do for the cracker what Meghan Trainor did for the Booty. I am going to revitalize the cracker industry on day 31. Because let’s be honest, all things bread-like ultimately want to be a cracker deep down inside- HELLOOO Croutons and Bruschetta!
Our recycling gets picked up today and I thought 2 weeks ago how lonely our recycling bin was going to be while I was on Whole 30- but it isn’t lonely, just lighter and when they empty it, it doesn’t sound like a symphony of glass wine bottles but instead a serious frat rush party level can emptying- I am starting to think the amount of La Croix drinking can’t be good, but it is keeping me sane.
So here are my 3 things:
- What makes me pee my pants? Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor together. “You better get bad Jack”
- What do I love? Books and Book Jackets. I do love to read, but I will buy the shit out of some coffee table books, just because they have colorful covers that appeal to me. Amazon one click is my greatest downfall, besides crackers and pajamas. I just cannot embrace online reading either- I want to touch the book, smell it and look at it.
- Pet Peeve? (this may be renamed Things that piss me off) When my kids won’t taste things- especially things I cook. Just friggin taste it and if you don’t like it you never have to have it a again- well that’s a lie, but just taste it dammit!
Day 15: “Mazel, Mazel Good Things”…BOOM- Half way there! Mic drop. Beyonce can take her lemonade and put some coconut milk in it. I can’t really believe it. I mean this experience has been surprisingly pleasant. Kind of like Darius Rucker’s switch to country.
Yesterday, besides Earl I also whipped up gazpacho, coconut curry sauce, a romesco sauce, ranch dressing….and wait for it… pork butt. Let me tell you that you truly haven’t lived until you have sauntered up to the butche…r and said “I’d like 2 pounds of butt please” and if you are really lucky you have a butcher who says “would have been even better if you said ass”.
I like to fancy myself Giada de Laurentiis while cooking..well if Giada had a potty mouth, a crappy manicure and big droopy boobs. I mean seriously her perfect manicure and perky boobs are way more impressive than her gnocchi.
A side note: tomato seeding is for the birds. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Like when I become a billionaire, after I get back from Tahiti on my private jet (which will be filled with Wheat Thins and vodka) I will be hiring a chef to do things “ain’t nobody got time for”- these things will include: tomato seeding, garlic mincing and reading labels.
A few people have asked how my husband, Doug, is doing with this “situation”. So Charles Thrift, this is for you:
Here is what Doug, henceforth to be referred to as Dougie Fresh, Dancin Dougie, My lover (see below video for reference) or as he prefers “straight up baller”, thinks about the Whole 30:
What Dougie Fresh likes about the Whole 30:
- Lots of activity in the kitchen which many times results in a meal.
2. Reduction in Total Wine bill.
3. My love of all things swine and spiced meats.
What does Dancin Dougie not like about the Whole 30:
- Whole Foods
2. All things coconut
3. Boob shrinkage
Here are my 3 things for the day:
- Things that make me pee my pants laughing? Will Ferrell. He is awesome. And then you combine with Jimmy Fallon and it is pure comedic dynamite.
- Things I love? Pajamas…obsessed. I go for comfort, fabric and print with no concern for cost. It is a problem.
- Pet Peeve? Uncrispy bacon- I mean what is the point???
Day 14- “Hey Lama, how about a little something for the effort?”…I thought of this quote yesterday in yoga. At the end of most yoga classes, before Shavasna (called final rest pose…or as I like to refer to it “thank God I did not die” pose) the teacher normally says “take whatever else you need to finish your practice” and then they normally suggest “shoulder stand or plow”. So when I heard this yesterday I thought “you know what I need to finish my practice…CRACKERS, I need crackers and perhaps a beer and a neck rub.
Anyway, back to the quote, I love all things Carl Spackler. I mean what a genius character and not that his mother is likely proud of his esteemed accomplishments- but who the hell after a long day at work, a few glasses of wine, annoying kids and a good episode of RHWOC wouldn’t like to step out on their backporch with a vodka drink and a cigarette (if you are into that kind of thing) and there is Carl, your neighbor just hanging out in his 1980’s beach chair having a PBR ready to tell you about his day??
So last night I went out to dinner for the first time while on the Whole 30. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by loving, understanding and supportive friends…NOT. I did follow all Whole 30 advice: ate before I went, perused menu online to decide ahead of time what is “eatable” so thought I was all good. Then I sat by the devil, and she is mean, and her name is Denny and her sidekick from the inferno, Barrie. Here is what they ordered and passed in front of me for 2 hours: CHEESE plate, PINOT NOIRs (plural), Watermelon TEQUILA drinks, FRIED okra w/ RANCH, Grilled CHEESE. I mean it ain’t right. Below is an unattractive photo, taken by Dante’s photographer, Laurie, of me touching and smelling Denny the Devil’s 3 CHEESE grilled CHEESE.
I ate Vegan Curry and drank 17 club sodas, but in my mind I was eating like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, which is possibly one of the best 2-3 minutes in any movie- according to me- video below.
Rule #1 Never eat a grilled cheese next to a Whole 30’er.
So it’s Sunday and normally I would be regretting all my horrible food choices and alcohol consumption from past 36 hours while eating Wheat Thins for breakfast and planning out my lunch and dinner spreads but instead I will be vitamixing various Whole 30 approved sauces while baking a $26 turkey breast from Whole Foods- no shit, it is 5 lbs and cost $26. It better include a personal note from the farmer who fed Earl (that is the name I given to the turkey) by hand various homemade Whole 30 approved foods before he lovingly chopped his head off.
The only that hasn’t changed is the Dictator’s wake up time (5:14 am-6:37 am) and mood (pain in the ass).
My 3 things today:
- What makes me pee my pants laughing?
Key and Peele. They are smart, funny and I just love the way they bring to life the humor in our differences. At the end of the day there is more we all have in common than different. Now, in full transparency, I work in Diversity and Inclusion, so I nerd out on this a bit. Here is one of their skits that will make you laugh.
“I’ve got my eye on you Jay Quellin”
- Things I love?
Vince Vaughn. He is funny and hot. And this scene is my favorite. Tooo many good quotes in these 3 minutes to even begin to list.
- Pet Peeves?
Cotswald shopping center in Charlotte’s parking lot. I have come to realize a poorly designed parking lot is the bane of my existence.
Day 13- “Real tomato Ketchup Eddie?”…I am dreaming of ketchup and seriously didn’t really think I even like ketchup that much until the Whole 30. It is like the forbidden fruit. I remember when Molly was little and if you put ketchup on anything she would eat it. It was like its own food group- she even ate broccoli once with ketchup on it, but also ate her own boogers, so don’t put a lot of clout in her culinary preferences. It’s Saturday and I am about to go to my best fr…iend, Edith’s, yoga class, She is a specimen of health and fitness who basically lives on Whole30 like 85% of the time, which I always knew must be really hard, but after 13 days I realize I need to be much, much, nicer to her….can you imagine how much she misses wheat thins??
I was lying in bed last night thinking about this Ellen Degeneres stand up bit she did years ago when she talks about how you realize how boring you are when you record your thoughts before sleep. So here were mine last night:
I love this pillow, I love this bed, I love wheat thins, I wonder if the bed can tell I am thinner? What will I have for breakfast? I really like toast. Do you think there is anyone who doesn’t like toast? No way, everyone likes toast. My kids are great. I love Dougie. I love this pillow. I love wheat thins. and cheese, and Bradley Cooper. Do you think Bradley Cooper would eat toast in bed with me?
Here are my 3 things for today:
- What makes me pee my pants? Ellen Degeneres, literally everything she does. But here is one of my favorites:
- Something I love? Same as #1.
- Pet Peeve? Whenever there is a tragedy (plane crash, train wreck, earthquake, etc.) and the news specifies how many Americans are among the dead or missing- and I just want to scream “WHO CARES WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS”….like the tragedy would be more or less horrible based on someone’s nationality. Just bugs the Shit out of me!!
Day 12- “it’s Friday…you ain’t got no job…and you ain’t got shit to do!”. FRIDAY- I love this day and this quote. I seriously cannot believe I made it this far- people if I can do this, anyone can do this. I didn’t even eat within in the same hemisphere this well even when pregnant. I mean the phrase I heard almost every day while pregnant was ” WELCOME TO MO’s” and then “did you say extra side of queso?”. But my children are healthy and happy and I think all those chee…se and crackers gave them their moxie. I am still dreaming of wheat thins and brie, but now also could describe to you, in possibly a sexual way, a Five Guys cheeseburger. Saving graces have been: work is busy as shit and any free time I would think about having is spent at various grocery stores looking for “crap free” food, in the car conducting sing-a-longs with somewhat cooperative kids, cooking or cleaning various cooking apparatuses.I did find myself thinking about asking Alexa for a Wheat Thin yesterday, but didin’t want her to tell on me. (Alexa is the Amazon Echo version of Siri…if you don’t own one, get one.).
So here are my 3 things for the day:
2.What warms my heart?:
Anything written/said by Kelly Corrigan- she is honest and awesome.
- Pet Peeve: People who do not pick up after themselves in public spaces. I am a MESS at home- and everyone’s home can be as messy as they want- BUT workplaces, restaurants, pools- even if you are paying to be there- pick up your own damn trash- yes, people may work there as waiters/servers….they are not your personal cleaner!!
Day 11- “NO More rhyming and I mean it!…anyone want a peanut?? ”
YES PLEASE! I am done with almonds, macadamias, cashews and all these fancypants nuts- I just want a good ol” georgia peanut people…but it is not whole 30 approved, so I shall suffer on.
Speaking of whole 30 approved there are a handful of lucky products that have been deemed worthy of this label and they stamp it on front of the packaging. I have another idea. Instead of making people read every damn labe…l to see what type of sugar or godforsaken chemical is added I want a label made in some obnoxious color that just says “NO CRAP INCLUDED”- I mean I could make it through whole foods in half the time. I suggested this yesterday to Sean, my new BFF at the Whole Foods checkout, he did not want to go on record for obvious reasons, but he agreed with me;-)
Back to Day 11, when you can’t weigh yourself and validate progress I have decided instead that the Amazon one click can bring the same slight high of losing a pound. So I think of this way: 4 celery sticks for lunch= 2 new books for Brookie! you get the drift. We will be broke by September 14th but if I am really skinny I won’t care. Speaking of shopping, I have decided finding decent Endive at the grocery store is like trying to find BigFoot or the elusive 5 inch inseam shorts for girls….they are not easily found. After much online and inperson shopping I have decided whoever comes up with what I will call the “non-hootchie section” for tween girl shopping will be a billionaire- Zara Kids and Crewcuts can only handle so much business.
Although I am quite clever, or as one of my besties Bonnie Warner Kimmerly says, “crafty” in my musings I need something to keep me motivated to write so I have decided for the next 19 days I will share 3 things:
- Something that makes me pee my pants laughing.
- Something that warms my heart. (1 and 2 many times may be the same).
- A pet peeve
Here are the first three:
- Wanda Sykes. She is so hysterical and I don’t think she gets enough press. If you want to pee your pants laughing and don’t mind profanity and bathroom humor search “wanda sykes crank yankers rental car”.
2.Dogs- I love dogs. My current obsession are these two St. Bernards on instagram- Lucy and Norman @saint.lucy check them out.
- PARKING AT TRADER JOES at the metropolitan in Charlotte. I just can’t even handle it for one minute.
In other news, puzzle done- BOOM! And thank you Elisabeth Ayres Come, baby, Come as been added to our Whole 30 playlist!!
Day 10- Whoop, Whoop! “What an incredible cinderella story! The normally reserved Augusta crowd is going wild.” …1/3 of the way through. 10 days with no dairy, no carbs, no grains, no sugar and no alcohol.Feeling really good, but ain’t gonna lie wanting some bread and cheese reallllll bad. It is a like a crack dealer in my head “come here little girl, want a piece of vermont sharp chedder “. As luck would have it I have a cough/ sore throat allergy thing happening and every… single cough drop has sugar or fake sweetner in it. I was millimeters away from popping that lemon-honey RI-CO-LA into my mouth until my University of Colorado 4 yrs of education/skiiing kicked in with the realization that HONEY=SUGAR. I didn’t do it- that is willpower people- I ain’t no cheater. A public service announcement to family, close friends and especially coworkers: MY THRESHHOLD FOR STUPID IS AT AN ALLTIME LOW! You have been warned. If you invite me to a meeting to review something that could have been covered in email, send an email with elementary school level grammer mistakes or even think of saying “thats a great quesiton” before you answer it….I pray for you. Today is also the first day of school, and a line I am stealing from Glennon Doyle Melton, “SO LONG SUCKERS”!
Day 9 or T-21 til a wheat thin..depending on your perspective: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!…I’m not dead yet. I think I have successfully slayed what they refer to in the Whole 30 as my “Sugar Dragon”…but that bitch is mad and she is hun-gray for her processed/trans fat crackers dammit. Everyone find their coats, secure your blankets…I made my own kethcup- you heard that right I MADE MY OWN KETHCUP. Now don’t come over trying to dip your McDonald french frys in it and expect to… be wowed but once you have spiralized, seasoned and baked your own sweet potato fries it taste like nector of the Gods- if you close your eyes real tight. Honestly I can live with it. I have to say I have never felt better in my life physically, mentally, etc- I mean you feel like dance on the table kind of good. (My table dancing days are over but if you have never tried it- it is fun) So yesterday I told the kids we were going to make weekly “Whole 30 playlists” to jam out to in the car during our daily round trips to Whole Foods. Everyone got to pick 2 songs…except Doug, since he wasn’t in the car…and because I like to be in charge. So here is where we ended up for this week- the kids picked all our “go-tos” so I had to add in a slow one to bring us on home:
-Zach Brown Band: Homegrown
-Flo Rida: My House
-Maren Morris: My Church
-Montell Jorden: This is how we do it **also my all time favorite song…also a good table dancing selection;-)
-Pistol Annies: Takin Pills
-Susan Tedeschi: Angel from Montgomery
Please note, my musical tastes are varied and some of these songs you may say are not appropriate for children but my feeling is if the sunroof is open and you have a 3 and 10 yr clapping and singing and smiling in the car..it’s a good song!
Day 8- Feeling good Lewis. Headache gone. Survived second day at 75 minute yoga. Thank you Suzanne Bergen for the much needed inspiration yesterday- you just have to get out there and take care of your bidness people!! I am seriously kicking ass all over these Whole 30 recipes and this is coming from someone whose refridgerator 8 days ago looked like a college frat boy’s- think crusty mustard, half a gatorade and ketchup. Who knew that once you unearth your various appliance…s from the seventh layer of hell…or in my case the box it came in 5 yrs ago as a wedding present and plug it in..it works! And that the kitchen aid mixer is not only aestetically pleasing but that sucker actually can stir like a mofo! I have made my own mayo and ranch dressing…seriously and it is good. As much as I am enjoying all of the above, this has not stopped me from planning what I am currently calling “WheatThin-Palooza” or “The Brooke Lowry Freedom Fest” for mid-September. I have also developed the power to fully convince myself that the Spindrift Grapefruit Seltzer may actually have vodka in it. Low moment: Elise Higdon Piper I thought of you last night as I literally got excited to have a TUMS…and just thought of you pregnant carrying around that bottle while pregnant at Stewart Lathan 40th and popping them like candy
Day 7- Good news…Headache gone and 1 week in the books. The not being able to weigh to see any results is frustrating, but if you are wondering, below is the picture of what I plan to look like on Sept. 14th. As you can see, I have very realistic expectation of where excessive nut and bacon eating will lead. No delusion here my friends. I did also used to not believe cucumbers were pickles. Anyhoo, still fantasizing about wheat thins and honestly things that I used to turn …my nose up at- like rice cakes, ezekial bread, wasa crisps- are more tempting than any glass of wine. What is really scary is I have never had a sweet tooth and assumed my sugar intake was minimal…HELLO HIDDEN SUGAR IN YOUR FOODS! But seriously, I don’t really even like ice cream, candy,cakes,etc. and it as nothing to do with calories- just not a huge fan- but I really can’t imagine how bad the withdrawls/headaches would be on the whole 30 if you do have a sweet tooth…I pray for you. Now, my withdrawls are purely based on living the past 18 months like I was a Russian truckdriver- no offense to Russians or truckdrivers…am just making the assumption this group likely drinks a lot and ain’t afriad of a cheeseburger. I also am having college flashbacks as I have truly considered if it is possible to smoke a sweet potato.
Day 6- I have survived zoodling! I have to say they were pretty damn tasty, especially with my rockstar romesco sauce I made. The negative was, even fake pasta will make you want red wine….but alas, there was none, so I had a nut. When I woke up this morning the headache had really abated- and people, the sleep is good- really good. Anyhoo, hit 75 minute hot yoga for the first time all week (as I have been very busy chopping, dicing and mincing)..it was hard. About half wa…y through when I sipped my coconut water vs. gatorade- I almost puked. My body was saying “Where the fuck is our pre-game fuel of wheat thins and sharp chedder?… bitch??!! screw this nut crap” – sorry Mom for the foul language, my profanity is the last vice I can hold on to.Side note, I won’t go into too much detail, but when you don’t eat crap, drink diet coke from a funnel and don’t partake of the juice of the grape your sweat is not as salty and actually smells better. I am also pretty sure I now own stock in La Croix and am building a beach home for the manager of my local Whole Foods.
Day 5..still alive! That is about the positive thing I can say. It is true you are really not ever hungry and makes you realize that most snacking/eating is habit/addiction…but not being hungry still is not the elixir for missing crackers/grains. I had a very disturbing thought yesterday “God I would kill for a rice cake or some quinoa”…and lets talk about QUINOA- spelled funny, pronounced funny and tastes funny…you should never want it. Anyhoo, signs that the end of days are near: I bought a spiralizer and am making zoodles tonight! Headache still bad.
Day 4 feels like Day 137. My deep love for cheese and bread is unconditional- I made Henry toast yesterday and literally smelled it! Spent all day at the office yesterday- and normally work from home- without question a lot easier when you can control your environment. Pretty sure everyone in my building was eating Wheat Thins yesterday to taunt me and watching people put creamer and sweetner (of all varities!) in their coffee almost made me cry. The fact that it was Burrito day in the cafeteria was just cruel…if there had been queso I likely would have caved. Headache a little better. Fully convinced I have lost 20 lbs. They tell you not to get on scale on Whole 30, which leads I believe to full delusion of progress…so if on day 10 if I start posting bikini shoots someone intervene for the greater good.
Day 3: Good news: I have come to terms with the coffee thing and think I may finally feel less guilt about the Vitamix purchase price- it is getting a workout. Headache still pretty brutal and the amount of nut eating is elephant like. I find myself daydreaming of wedges/wheels of brie and crsipy triscuits and a glass of cold pinot grigio. Good news is, in these daydreams I look like Giselle and Bradley Cooper is there and he has crumbled feta.
Survived Day 1 of the whole 30. Had massive headache all afternoon/evening- pretty sure extreme diet coke/massive sodium withdrawl. All in all not that bad. Things I miss: crackers, hummus, crackers, cheese, crackers, half n half, crackers. Things I miss more: clothes that fit, good sleep, crackers.
Ok, black coffee I can totally handle but whoever thinks that the almond/coconut/devil’s milk crap even remotely takes place of half n half is wrong. #itaintright
Last cup with cream for a month. Start the Whole 30 tomorrow. Keep me honest social media as this may kill me. No sugar, no dairy, no alcohol and basically no carbs. #ishallmissyoumybelovedcheeseandhalfnhalf