Day 8. I am dying and want some bread, more so than crackers this time- but I am only craving like really fancy bread- dreaming of yeast rolls, croissants, brioche- I have no time for focaccia, scones and challah, etc.- I am a bread elitist. The sleep, OMG- I cannot say this enough, at 8 or 8:30 pm I am in the bed drooling on myself- like maybe I read 5 pages in my book and I am out cold. The past couple of nights I have slept until 6 am- 9 hours of sleep for 2 consecutive nights is off the hook. I am also reading Hillbilly Elegy- fascinating, fascinating read….but not enough to keep me awake til 9.
The Whole 30 just makes me want to make lists, I was really good at doing this anyway (visualize a pat on the back), but denying oneself bread, crackers, cheese and alcohol will really ignite your inherent gifts and for me that is humor and lists.
So here is a typical day on the Whole 30:
- Wake up at 6 shocked as shit that you slept 8-9 hours with no sleeping aid of any kind= pumped.
- Quickly remind yourself that you must live through a day with no bread or cheese= pissed.
- Make coffee and eenie meenie moe your choice of nutpod creamer= sad but fun
- Start to think about your eggs, bacon and avocado=excited
- Make #4= not as exciting as you expected, but you are full
- Think about how glad you are that you are not eating nuts= no feeling associated, just a stupid thought
- (it is now 6:27) Wonder if it is too early to have a LaCroix and Plantain Chips= again, slightly excited about anticipation of crunch and bubbles in your future.
- (6:28 am) Have LaCroix and Plantain Chips= so pumped you are not having nuts.
- (6:29 am- 12 pm) Snack on Plantain Chips, veggies and turkey until lunch while thinking about bread, cheese and Bradley Cooper.= very pleasurable
- (12:07 pm) Have lunch= major let down as there is no bread, cheese or Bradley Cooper
- Repeat #9
- (6 pm) Have dinner alone as no one else wants to eat that early or eat what you are eating= lonely, not as exciting as you expected, but you are full
- (6:13 pm) Start to think you would kill for a glass of wine or vodka in your La Croix but think about skinny jeans fitting again and lack of stomach roll in bathing suit= depressed yet motivated
- (7 pm) Have tablespoon of cashew butter= insane in the membrane
- (8:30) Go to bed and try to read or watch TV= so tired
So yesterday I had two really annoying revelations I feel the need to share.
- I recall 10 yrs ago (or however long ago SiriusXM radio came on the scene) being so excited to jam out, but with no commercials. And before I go any further- yes, I know I can play my own music off my phone and I have Spotify- but the point is that almost every car has SiriusXM now and there is the comfort and ease of knowing that Channel 8 is always 80’s hits and Channel 16 is the Spectrum- this requires less thinking. So great, there are no commercials but (sorry Mom) I need for the annoying as shit DJs to SHUT THE FUCK UP!. I just do not care what Kristine Stone, Nina Blackwood, Mike Terry, etc. think or know- and don’t even get me started on Storme (pronounced Stormy….I am serious for those who don’t listen to the Highway) Warren. I want to listen to music- period. Please make them go away.
- So, if you pay attention to their marketing, pricing and new services offered over the past 5 years it is obvious that the USPS is very serious about competing with UPS and FedEX. However, someone please explain to me what process their operations and real estate folks go through to determine their physical locations Now, I totally understand making the business decision to have less brick and mortar stores and moving business online- but they are opening new physical post offices, so there has to be some sort of census, demographic, financial reason for choosing these locations- but based on my experience yesterday trying to find a post office- these people are high as shit and sit in a room blindfolded and pick locations “pin the tail on the donkey” style. This my friends is why I am best friends with Wilbert at the Cotswald UPS store. This man has not only returned those shoes from Zappos that just didn’t fit right but, has also notarized my separation agreement…so lets just say we are tight.
I leave you today with the genius Jerry Seinfeld offering his explanation as to why the Post Office may be having problems and a few other gems. So, so good and under 6 minutes, but if you just want Post Office bit it starts at 3 minutes in-