“Brooke where have you been the past month? Why no blog posts?” Two different people asked me this, so I assumed at least four people were also thinking it. Have I been out of town? Yes. Is work busy? Yes. Kids schedules insane? Yep. But the real reason you have not heard from me is that I decided after a six year break (not 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days- 6 YEARS!) that I was going to start working out again and it has been one painful, painful ass kicking and has made me a tad bit grumpy. It is not that I have been sore, I have been literally unable to lift myself off the toilet or wash my hair without moaning.
Now, I have done hot yoga a few days a week for the past few years and I love it. I firmly believe in the incredible impacts of yoga to your mind and body, but for me at least, I need cardio and weights to really get in shape. So I figured now that I have kicked Diet Coke, Half n Half and bread (most of the time) via the Whole 30 and lost some weight I needed to take the dreaded next step of getting in shape.
Not that this is necessary and likely very obvious, but just in case- here’s a disclaimer: I AM NOT A FITNESS EXPERT! Well, unless the only qualification needed is having a subscription to SHAPE magazine. I do believe firmly in one thing- whatever works for you- do it! Just like there are likely a ton of other different and/or better diets/eating plans than the Whole 30- but that shit works for me and I am sticking to it. I have to check myself when I start criticizing people who I think have gone overboard on embracing certain health crazes-I mean to each his own, why should I care what other people are doing? Different strokes for different folks and all that. I feel certain this has to do with some sort of projection of jealousy or something else I just don’t have enough time with my therapist to dig into, as I have too many parenting fails, an ex-husband and imposter syndrome to discuss for that $150/per hour.
So after weighing (ha ha get it?) all my options in terms of types of workouts, various locations and times I decided to go to a workout place around the corner from my house. I was “encouraged” by a former friend to go with her to a 5:45 am class. Now, this sounded truly INSANE to me until I realized, Henry (aka The Dictator) is up at 5 am and by 5:45 I have normally already made him a couple of breakfasts- and I literally could leave my house at 5:35 and get to class on time. I also wanted efficiency- meaning the cardio and the strength training/workout together in one hour- one and done. Multiple workouts? Ain’t nobody got time for that- ‘specially grumpy old ladies who aren’t eating bread and cheese.
This workout is totally core centric and low impact resistance training- it gets your heart rate up with a lot of floor and some barre work- and most importantly it incorporates what I like to call “tools from the devil’s workshop”. These include: balls of all kinds, bands, hand weights and the dreaded gliders. Needless to say, my out-of-shapeness added to the fact that it is not even 6 am when this workout starts has led to some humorous moments.
It only took 5 seconds on those gliders for it to become a scary reality the complete lack of inner thigh or core strength I had. It wasn’t that the moves on the gliders were complex- I literally was so weak that I could not do the move! It was like my body was answering and saying “sorry no one is available to take your call”. So, I am stuck in a large V trying to figure out how to get everything back together without injuring myself or knocking over my neighbor. Solution? Just drop to the floor with a thud.
It should also be noted I lack balance- so add muscle weakness to that and it is a recipe for disaster in a crowded workout space. One time we were squeezing a ball between our legs while squatting AND pulsing AND doing bicep curls- yep, my ball shot out from between my legs across the room. I had to step over and inbetween people to retrieve it. Sadly, when I said “has anyone seen my ball?” no one laughed. Now, this is likely because they were busy squatting and pulsing at 6 am, but it does bum me out when my humor is not acknowledged. Again, something I should talk to my therapist about.
Today was my 7th time doing this workout and seriously it still isn’t any easier, but at least I don’t feel nauseous and on the verge of crying like I did the first 2 times. I want to be clear, this is a hard workout period, but when you are completely out of shape it is beyond miserable. Even when I am in good shape I have never enjoyed exercising. I am glad I did it when it’s over, but the runners high I never got. The first week I did this I was taking Aleve twice a day, taking Epsom Salts baths at night and whining- a lot whining.
The main reason I keep going? The majority of people in this class and that I know that do this workout look phenomenal- they have great looking arms, abs, butts and legs- the full shebang of toneness and I am committed to find out if it will rub off on me. Now, as we all know this will not end well as those people also likely live on wheatgrass- and don’t struggle with a love of wheat thins and brie.
You all must make me feel guilty if I quit- don’t challenge me, shame me- I respond to shame. I am not really competitive, but dude I can feel some guilt. I do really wish there were a pill or drink that would make you lose weight and get in shape vs. working out, but until they make one I am going to work out, then whine about working out…and take probiotics….you know, just in case that’s the pill.
I leave you today with this lovely lady really feeling it at the gym. I wonder if she has ever lost her ball?